The End of the Year Relationship Address

I'll be honest, I've been through a bit of a challenging time in 2013. All in all, you've known me as a relationship coach, and hopefully as a confidant, but you also know that my most important identity in life is being the dad of a soon to be 13 year old. My son always has been the light of my life, and I never knew the limitless depth of the love I could feel until the day he was born. I would do anything for him, and sacrifice everything for him without a second thought. But as beautiful as that may sound, it can also be trying at times too. I adore him and want nothing more than his happiness but sometimes I can forget about me, and if I'm not careful, I'll slip up and lose complete sense of myself in the process of being everything to him.

So, who am I? I can tell you that I'm more than just Jonathan's dad. I can tell you that I'm a man, a son, a brother, a friend and a writer too. Yes I can iron all of my son's school uniforms and make his favorite "daddy man special" sandwich for lunch in 15 seconds with one hand tied behind my back, but I must also remember that I love to read, travel, and sometimes break out with a mean Barry White song at karaoke every now and then. Why am I telling you all of this, and how could it possibly relate to your journey in finding a real relationship? Because I have decided to make one resolution for the new year, and I believe that if you do the same thing, it could possibly bring you closer to having the relationship you truly deserve:

In the year 2014 I resolve to be true to who I am, and remember that I matter! Just as I can lose myself in trying to make my son happy, you may be losing yourself to your children, to your relationship (or the quest of finding one), and it's time for that to stop!

• Do you find yourself acting like someone you're not, in order to impress a first date or make a new person like you more? This is a dangerous habit. You can't keep up the act forever, and more importantly, you must believe that you're worthy of love just as you are.

• Do you put your needs on hold, or deny them entirely in order to focus on making someone happy? It's a sure fire recipe for future resentment, and will quickly have them seeing you as a caretaker rather than an equal partner.

• Do you get so wrapped up in the relationship that you spend all of your time with them, letting go of many other things you once cared about in the process? Part of this is because you're excited and love the feeling of being together, but if you're honest with yourself, you'll also recognize that some of it is the fear that it's too good to be true, and once they're out of your sight...poof, it will all disappear!

• Do you shy away from disagreements because you're afraid that conflict will make them go away? This silences your voice in the relationship, and ultimately makes it impossible for them to respect you.

These are only a few examples on how people can easily lose themselves, or decide that they don't matter in a relationship. In 2013, Relationship Lessons has been about recognizing how to meet the needs that are your own responsibility to meet (security, self-esteem, and happiness with your own life), and knowing how to find and ask the right person to fill the other needs that only a romantic partner can fulfill.

I've decided that for 2014, I'm going to rediscover myself in my own life. I'm going to continue soaking up every ounce of joy that my son can bring into my life, but I am not going to count on him to be my life. This is the year I'm going to remember that I matter, and make my own happiness a priority too. My son won't fall to pieces if I leave him with grandma and pa-pa so I can take a walk or a drive and get some fresh air to clear my head for a while, because I matter! I used to be afraid of "party of one" dinners or going to the movies by myself, but not anymore because I matter! I think I'm allowed to say that I'm not available to volunteer to help convicted felons find employment if I need time to work on my book, because I matter! If I am having a frustrating day and need some support in the form of a friend's shoulder to cry on, or an friend's ear to bounce ideas off, or if I need 30 minutes or so to read whats going on with everyone on the Relationship Lessons page on Facebook and find some inspiration, then I'm going to ask for help. I've found that asking for help doesn't make me weak as much as it makes me human, and that's alright with me because once again I matter!

So why don't you make this resolution with me?
1. That you'll do something good just for you, knowing that a healthy relationship will not crumble if you make yourself a priority.
2. That if someone is not treating you with love and respect, that you will say "ouch" when it hurts you emotionally. You have a voice, and you deserve to be heard in every phase of your relationships.  
3. That you'll reach out and ask for support when you need it from your partner, your friends, or your family. There tends to be a lot less drama when you allow the people who love you to help you.

What a year its been for the blog! This year it topped 170,000 reads in 13 countries for 2013, and it just blows me away! 37,000 supporters worldwide on Facebook, and it all humbles me to think everyone anticipates reading anything this crazy mind has to say. I've said it before and I'll say it again, thank you for reading along and making these lessons what they are. I wish all of you the happiest and most beautiful relationship year in 2014 filled with countless blessings, and love so abundant you can hardly stand it!

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Out With The Old, In With The New

As we come down to the end of the year, I'm sure you are doing your year end inventory. I love this time of year because you start thinking about your life, your friends, and what your year was really like. You start to put on a happy face again because the year is coming to an end, and you realize that pretty soon you can start all over again come January 1st. This is the mentality of many people. January 1st brings a clean slate, and we get to start all over again. We have all of these ridiculous New Year's resolutions, and then we get to break them throughout the course of the year, just to get to the end of December again. But here is a truth that most people are not saying: you also bring into the "new year" all of your "old habits". You bring all of your past experiences with you into the next year. Sometimes, no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, you cannot escape you...and you shouldn't be able to.

So what should you be doing while you're cleaning house for the holiday, and doing that year end inventory? You need to ask yourself, do I really possess all of the skills that I desire to go out there and meet the people you want to meet next year? Do I even know how to put myself out there to attract and flirt with people? Am I waiting for someone to approach me over and over again, and hope that I find the right location to meet next year so they can approach me? If you are, then I call you "the passive waiter". No matter where you are, you're always hoping and waiting for something to happen. You're always hoping that if you go out, someone will come over and want to meet you. If this is your approach, January 1st isn't going to change anything for you. The end of the year is coming, and it's time that you were more honest with yourself. What do you need to learn in order to attract people? What type of mindset change do you need to have? Are you still the kind of person who is waiting, hoping and praying that you meet the right one?

Take a look at the number of dates you've been on this year, and ask yourself: am I happy with that number? I want you to get even deeper with yourself and ask this question: how do I increase the chances of going out on a date and connecting with someone in 2014? I can tell you one thing from my experience in relationship coaching: its going to take some work, it's going to take some effort, and it's going to take more than getting dressed and standing around somewhere. It's going to take more than just depositing yourself into the right social scene. It's about learning how to flirt the right way and letting them know you're interested. It's about learning how to be happy and comfortable with flirting and forgetting about that thing called "rejection". It's about your life! Things will not just magically change come January 1st, so let's take the time left in this year to realize that we have some things to learn, and that we've got some work you have to put in. So, lets go to work!

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: The Gift of An Amazing Woman

Men are simple, I've been saying it for almost all of 2013. Being a good woman to that simple man is easy. I've been saying that most of the year too. Do you want to be an amazing woman to him in 2014? Of course you do. Here are 5 simple and easy ways from my point of view to make that happen. 

1. Be present with him. When you are with your man, be WITH HIM! Turn your phone off, put it in your purse, put it in a drawer, just put it away. Whatever happens "on your phone" can wait. We will all survive without incessant Facebook or Twitter status updates. If you want to cultivate a deep connection with your partner, then you have to be present with him. Look him in the eyes and make him feel like you would rather be nowhere else. I know a lot of people think they can do many things at once (in other words, multitask). It's not true, we can't. When we do one thing at a time, we do it well. When we attempt to multitask, we do many things poorly. If you multitask your relationship, you might find yourself multitasking being single, because what a man wants is your attention. Your phone will be there when you are done, but if you keep texting while spending time together, you might wind up texting alone.

2. Love something he loves. If your man is passionate, and I assume that he is, then love something he loves. Think of all the things he's passionate about, pick one, and share it as a common interest. Learn a bit about that passion and collaborate with him on it. This can be something you both have in common, and something you can both talk about. Preferably it shouldn't be about sports or a TV show, because those generic things don't reveal his true character. Find out what he loves. What is in his heart? Have that in common. Relationships succeed through synergy, not separate lives. If you can't find something to love that he is also passionate about, then why are you with him?

3. Put the "friend" in girlfriend. Men want a best friend companion with whom they also can be themselves with from time to time. Sound simple? That's what we want. We want someone who is down for our interests, small talk, and humor, but can also fulfill our carnal base needs. Men are simple...very simple. Talk to us like a friend, be playful and fun, and don't over-complicate things as we aren't very complicated people. Have the potential to be his best friend, and show him this potential. He'll keep you around if you do.

4. Don't nag about small things. We often fight and create unnecessary drama because we focus on the negative in someone. If we focus on the negative, we will see the negative. We will see whatever we make our minds up to see. If your man sucks at doing the laundry, maybe you should help him do it (or at least show him how). Don't let it create a fight. If something bothers you deeply, then you are probably more passionate about doing it, so do it and let him do something else. Maybe he'll find something else to do, maybe he won't, but instead of letting something build as a resentment (which causes drama), try to not focus on the things you don't like and embrace the things that you do.

5. Avoid collaboration on social networks. Here's something different for the "outside-the-box-thinker" of 2014, un-friend each other on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, etc. You are friends and lovers in real life, so you don't need to focus on what each other is doing in the "virtual world". Who cares? It's only going to cause fights. Why? Because as humans, we are always looking for something to fight about. "Who is that girl in the picture?" or "So that's who he was with last night!" Just remove that stress and drama. Trust your boyfriend until he proves otherwise — it's as simple as that. And if he proves otherwise then you don't need Facebook to tell you to break up with him.

Being the amazing woman in 2014 is achievable. You have to know what is worth it, and what isn't. This list isn't THE list, but its A list. I'm sure if you wanted to, you could add to this list with a few of your own. However you do it, keep in mind that men are simple. Not that much work is needed, but some work would be greatly appreciated...

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: The Fixer of Broken Relationships

I've been blessed to turn over some of the writing this month to people who have a lot more experience at this than I do, and can write circles around anything I could ever hope to imagine. Natalie Haywood has a blog called "The Relationship Destroyers". Don't let the name fool you, from her website you can learn about the emotional drivers that can destroy your relationship. You can follow her blog at www.DontDestroyRelationship.com. When I read this two weeks ago, I had to let her know that I was giving her the stage during the 12 Days to share her information on my blog as the last guest blogger of 2013.  

It is understandable we will make mistakes in the relationship. Understandable, but not really allowable. If the mistake was cheating, or some other form of betrayal, we should never come back to the relationship with a lame apology expecting forgiveness, or worse, looking for our partner to just get over it. Regardless of how much time has passed, if you have done a horrible job in doing everything you absolutely can to make amends, your partner will not just get over it. When you step outside of your relationship, it's your job to fix it. Cheating, when you both agreed to exclusivity, is a blatant and flagrant violation of the agreement to yourself, your partner, and the relationship.

Please understand you are no longer held in high regard the same way, and in the same place before your betrayal. The price for severing trust and hope in the relationship is you going above and beyond — everyday.  If your partner still does not trust you, there is a 90% chance that you did not do everything beyond your power (not within your power) to put your indiscretion so far behind the both of you. Put your mind in the mind of your injured partner. If you were found out, there was nothing more for you to do but to confess. And if you confessed, you have left a residue of doubt in your partner’s mind of other things you may have done or are doing that you have not confessed to. This is not only disturbing, but unnerving.

Your word means nothing right now — yet it means everything. Your words are questionable, because you have lost credibility, from the perspective of the indiscretion being over, or you not doing it again. You have reduced yourself to the status of a liar. But everything you say involving that situation is heard and greatly considered. Choose your words wisely. Understand that your partner put his/her heart in your care. An emotional risk was taken in you, and you chose to diminish your investment value by an indiscretion that was much stronger than your word and your bond. Your indiscretion has crossed many difficult emotions that are not easily healed or repaired. Your partner is disgusted, frustrated, and has no motivation for you or the relationship. It takes work to rebuild trust, re-gain love, heal the pain you’ve caused, and repair the insecurity that came as a result of your relational transgression.

Recent studies suggest that there is infidelity in 8 out of 10 marriages in the United States: and 69% of marriages don’t survive an affair. The relationship is the core of marriage. The statistics are stacked against you. To leave the relationship in the shape that it is now is doomed for continual destruction. Take the relationship beyond what was before, by being different and better than you were before. When your partner responds by pulling back on sex, being withdrawn, uncommunicative, and unresponsive, it is his/her way of dealing. Be sensitive and deal with his/her feelings. You cannot throw blame on your partner when you caused the breach. If your partner snaps, take it! He/She is angry, hurt, insecure and fearful. You put those emotions there. Take it! You can also say, “I deserve that”. Folks respect the universal law of “You reap what you sow”. Your partner can respect you more when you express your feelings, fears and tears. Allow your partner to a place in your heart and expression where they have not been before. It helps to show your vulnerability. A little humiliation doesn’t hurt. Now is not the time to have pride, stubbornness, a myopic view of the truth, and a nonchalant spirit. Nor is it the time to hold back. You’ve got to go in hard, doing more than your share of everything to make your partner comfortable with you again.

To rebuild trust you begin by removing the doubt. You remove the doubt by not creating anymore than you have already, and by removing any possibilities of doubt. Be accountable of where you are. Call when you are out so there is no doubt as to where you are. Don’t have vague disingenuous conversations. Do not text either, this can give the impression you cannot talk.

You must become extremely transparent, so transparent that it is no question as to what you are doing, where you are going, who you are calling or texting, and who is reaching out to you. This should not be about you feeling lo-jacked. This is about you building trust.

Be reachable, all the time. Go above in showing affection. Go above in showing your loyalty. Use every sentimental moment whenever you can to say you are sorry. When you say you're sorry, feel the pain you have caused your partner. Look him/her in the eye and over communicate.

Speak love to your partner everyday and find a way to make him/her feel special. Don’t overdo it here, because you may diminish the sincerity of your gestures. Be genuinely concerned about your partner’s day. If there is a problem, find a way to fix it.

Take time out for intimate discussions on what you can do more to make your partner happy in a way you had not done before. When your partner speaks, don’t listen with your feelings, listen with the feelings of your partner.

Should the conversation come up about your indiscretion, do not indulge the details, but be thoughtful in your response. Do say, “I was a fool for what I did, when I have someone like you at home. I am sorry. Please Baby forgive me ”.

You may be wondering how long and how much you must work at this. You will know — providing you know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) in your heart, mind, and soul that you have gone beyond, and when your record has been beyond impeccable. If you are saying one thing and your partner is saying the opposite, work to find out why. Do not be resistant about this, or you will make matters much worse.

In truth when you have taken ownership of what you’ve done, and you have exhausted everything you can do. When you have felt your partner’s pain, and gone above to be the healing force, and when you have experienced pain because of what you’ve done, you will never forget your mistake, and most likely will not repeat it again.

You can do it. Fix it!

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Stalk The Halls...

Whether we want to admit it or not, we have all checked out our exes on social media. Though we’ve all done this, it’s never worth your time or your energy. Here are five significant reasons why you need to stop doing this right now, if you still are sneaking a peek.

1. Don’t let yourself be defined by TLC’s ”Creep” - The lyrics of this song will keep playing in your head. “So I creep, yeah. Just Keep it on the down low, said nobody is supposed to know”. The funny thing is, as soon as you his your exes page, you'll hear it non-stop.

2. It's only going to make you angry - Seeing your ex with another guy or girl is only going to upset you. Why would you willingly do that to yourself? You will compare yourself to the new significant other in every way imaginable. This will make you feel insecure and angry, and only prompt you to call your best friend to get reassurance that your replacement is fat and ugly. 

3. You might accidentally “like” something on their Facebook page - Now, that’ll be embarrassing. Now they know that you were stalking them, and they will tell all of your mutual friends about it, and you are going to look desperate and crazy. 

4. You will literally drive yourself crazy - Spending time searching every avenue of social media to find any mentions of a new special someone in your ex’s life will drive you insane. Instead, do something constructive with your time. Go to the gym and get your best body ever or buy a fab new wardrobe so you will always look amazing and will be able to attract a new mate. 

5. You can’t get over someone if you look at their pictures every day - If you continue this pattern, then you will just draw out the process of fixing your broken heart for much longer than necessary. 

Though I’m not usually one to quote Tupac, but he made a great point when he said: “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve or would’ve happened…or you can leave the pieces on the floor and move on”. Learn the lesson... 

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Merry Christmas, It's Over!

Being single at Christmas can feel like the end of the world, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Around this time last year, I covered a series in handling breakups called "Shaking Off The Year of the Bad Relationship". Today's guest blogger is Rosie from York, England and she does a great job in learning her lesson from a holiday breakup that happened to her. *You can send me your articles for guest blogger consideration to myrelationshiplessons@gmail.com*

I was at a university in the UK, and in the eighth month of a relationship with a guy we’ll call Dan (because that was his name). Despite living 200 miles apart, we’d managed to keep our long-distance relationship going. As Christmas loomed, we started discussing presents, and Dan asked for the most tuneless instrument known to man, a didgeridoo (a long wooden horn almost the length of your entire body, that bellows out the most God awful sound). As an impoverished student, a didgeridoo would cost a fair chunk of my loan to buy. But love being blind – and apparently deaf, I bought it. I lovingly wrapped it in about ten sheets of paper, then hauled it home on the train from York to Essex. But ten days before Christmas, Dan came round to my house and casually told me ‘it wasn’t working’. I was pretty sure there were rules somewhere against festive dumping, but apparently he hadn’t read them. I was left with not just a broken heart, but a 4 foot Aboriginal instrument to get rid of (not something you can easily pawn off).

Being dumped when everyone else is cosily coupled up hurts more than at any other time of year. At least Valentine’s Day is just a single day, not an entire season. Christmas is so family and relationship orientated, there are lots more things around reminding you about being together, plus it’s likely you would've made plans which had to be changed, so you suffer a physical loss as well as an emotional one. But while it might seem kinder to keep quiet until the tree’s down, Christmas is renowned for testing even the strongest of couples. Lots of people split up around Christmas, and as the end of the year approaches, it puts pressure on couples to think about where they’re headed. It’s only natural to start mulling over your plans for the future. On top of that, as the party season gets underway, people can feel burnt out, and all that drinking can lead to heated arguments or dangerous liaisons. All of which spell disaster if your relationship isn’t rock-solid.

Back to the story. I asked Dan for the sake of research for this article of course, why he’d chosen Christmas to dump me. “I thought it was better to do it when you were at home with family and friends” he says. “And I wanted to give you as much time before you went back to the university as possible.” All of which makes sense, but with Christmas being all about togetherness, it can feel like the endless repeats of Love Actually are mocking your suddenly-single status. Even worse, unlike other times of year, your girlfriends aren’t always on hand to help you pick up the pieces. It is possible to turn being suddenly single to your advantage, especially at Christmas. You can take the festive spirit as a reminder of the split, or as a reminder of all the other people who care for you. Christmas is a time of extra connection with people you love, followed swiftly by the new year, which is all about renewal. You can use the time in between to look at the relationship which has ended and decide what went wrong.

A 31 year old single mother I know went even further, using a festive break-up to turn her life around. She’d been with her boyfriend for three and a half years when they split up two weeks before Christmas. Although it was her who made the decision to leave, it was still very difficult. But she decided to use the time to be romantic towards herself. Two days before Christmas she threw a huge dinner with friends, and bought herself some presents. She then used her new-found freedom to move to London, which lead to a book deal. She felt wounded at the time, but since then her life has totally changed. As for me? I resisted the urge to burn Dan’s didgeridoo and instead, I marched to his house, thrusted it into his hands with a very curt "I think this is yours", and marched off again. Then I discovered the best thing about being suddenly single at Christmas was eating all the turkey I liked, safe in the knowledge that no one would be seeing me naked until well into the new year.

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Silent Night, Stressful Night

Christmas can put an extra and unnecessary strain on your relationship, so I really hope I can help you out with some extra relationship advice. I really don't want you to be one of the thousands of people knocking on the door of a relationship expert once the holiday season is over! First of all, you may as well acknowledge that you could be at risk of setting yourselves up for failure, if you want to call it that. Why? Well, the holiday season is often so stressful because of the huge expectations:

• the 'right' presents
• the 'right' food
• the 'right' atmosphere
• the 'right' mood
• the 'right' festive events
• the 'right' cards/greetings
• the 'right' contribution to the school
• being the 'right' daughter, son, husband, wife, child or parent
• being a 'good' guest
• ensuring that your children are on their 'best' behavior

Whatever all of that means! How stressful is that??? All of the expectations around Christmas can lead to disappointments for you, and for others. Below I've listed the potential trouble spots, some of which you're no doubt well aware of, but others perhaps not so much. I hope that if I can prepare you in advance, you may be able to manage at least your own, your partner's and your children's expectations way in advance of Christmas. Hopefully this will also help you to become more aware of the pressures others around you feel too. It all creates the potential for a meltdown!

Here are some of the 'pressure points' on relationships at Christmas:

1. The pressure of time in terms of all the above expectations.
2. Managing your finances may be even more difficult in December, and differences in attitudes towards spending will be even more apparent.
3. The cost of Christmas parties in terms of money, time and maybe even your relationship if your trust in each other has been damaged.
4. Staying with extended family, or...
5. ...having extended family stay with you.
6. Spending time with children who may not be your own.
7. Spending time with children who may not behave in the way you'd want them to.
8. Deciding with which parent the children should spend their days (if you and your partner are separated or divorced).
9. Your children not being with you on the days you'd have wanted.
10. The influence of alcohol on your partner, on you, and on your guests.
11. The physical and mental effects of the kind of foods you eat during this time (yes, your mental well-being too).

Given that there are so many potential causes of relationship problems at Christmas, how about insulating your relationship as well as your home? I hope that some of these relationship tips and stress identifiers can help you to have an even more enjoyable and peaceful Christmas...

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: The Friend Zone For Husbands

Let’s get this out the way now. There is a subset of married men who thinks it’s possible for them to be friendzoned. Where does this thinking comes from? I have no idea. By it’s very essence, the concept is almost impossible, yet some men hold this particular pseudo-truth to be self-evident.

No doubt you’re saying to yourself, “Husbands? Friend Zone? Does not compute!” Well, in a way, it does. Before we become husbands, we are first men. And as men can attest, we all can get friendzoned. The zone has no respect of person, nationality, ethnicity, or relationship status. So yes, husbands can get friendzoned, much the same way any other man does. It happens because he spends an inordinate amount of time trying to woo a woman, only to have his advances misdirected, or played off. The woman who is the object of his lustful desire will accept all the benefits of having someone so “into her”, yet won’t reciprocate the attention or affection. She’ll tell him he’s a good friend, she doesn’t know what she’d do without him, etc. He’ll eat it up, figuring he has a chance with her, all to no avail.

What’s funny is that the type of woman he wants as his “friend”, usually isn’t the kind of woman who will succumb to such foolishness. She’ll see through the b.s. that he’s heaping onto her plate, and will only let him get so far before she puts the brakes on. When she feels like enough is enough, she’ll ask questions such as “how would your wife feel if she knew what you were doing?”, or say something like “if you weren’t married…[fill in the blank], but you are.” If the average man for some reason had a moment of stupidity, this would hopefully be enough to get him to give up. But no, not for the husband trying to climb out of the friendzone. The more effort he puts in, the more likely he gets away from seeing the error of his ways.

The problems with this situation are simple to point out.

1) He is MARRIED!!!  

2) His wife probably has no idea what her husband is up to.  

3) He is MARRIED!!! 

And (some) men wonder why women don’t trust us...

A man who puts forth the amount of effort necessary to effectively court a woman that’s not his wife is a man who is neglecting his home.  He’s a man who is looking at the other lawns in the neighborhood, while his is browning more and more each day.  It’s not that he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing; it’s just that he doesn’t see it being wrong enough for him to stop his pursuits. His ego and pride drive him on, when the love and respect for his wife should give him pause. Yet, he continues on anyway seeking that elusive reciprocation that could be his downfall. From time to time, the married man will find a woman who’ll reciprocate his advances and give him exactly what he’s looking for. The attention that he’s showered onto her will wear her down and she’ll succumb to his advances. When this happens, one would think that the balance of power has shifted in this situation...but no. If anything, the power stayed where it always was; with the woman. Now that she’s given in, he may think “I got her”, but in reality, she has him. When he should’ve been giving his wife the attention that this other woman was getting, his home front was unprotected. Who he was courting has turned from someone who must be pursued, to someone who must be kept away. The woman who eventually fell for another woman’s husband now has him over a barrel, so to speak.

Whereas his crimes before amounted to wrong, now they’re multiplied by his infidelity, and he has nobody to blame but himself. His constant attention, affection, and effort to get out of the friendzone has placed him in an even more precarious place. One that will make him wish he never entered it in the first place.

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: New Beginnings From Old Endings

We've all been hurt by another person at one time or another. We were treated badly, trust was broken and hearts were hurt. Whatever the reasons were, the relationship came to an end, leaving us alone and staring at the blank slate of tomorrow. If you aren't careful, a breakup can affect every part of your life, from your leisure time to your work. Today's guest blogger is Persha, and she has blessed me with today's lesson.

Today we mark another milestone in our daily lives...we're almost at the end of 2013. So, how has 2013 been for you? If you could describe this year in one sentence, what would it be?

• A good year with my dreams fulfilled? 
• The year I met the love of my life? 
• The year I made the worst mistakes of my life? 
• The year where my relationships turned sour? 
• A year that has gone by too quickly? 

I'm sure that most of you will agree with the last one at least. Okay, so what about me? Well...I survived! I broke up with my better half in 2012, and this year was more of a stabilization stage for me. If you have gone through a nasty breakup, you know how long the sting of a broken heart can last. It has a way of ruining your future, even if your ex is not in it. While the relationship itself has not left any dangerous scars, it has certainly left me second guessing myself and not letting even the nicest of guys into my life. I guess I'm scared of being burned again, so this year for me has been a year of fear. Mostly fear of me getting into a new relationship, and a fear that things might end in the same way as it did before...with me heartbroken. 

I look at my friends and my family, with their successful yet fulfilling relationships, and wonder why an intelligent, young, and sexy girl like myself can't seem to find that. Sometimes it gets me teary eyed because it's so depressing! I know that the first step to a successful yet fulfilling relationship is that I need to give someone a chance, and that seems to be the problem! How can I trust someone with my heart again when it was shredded into pieces not so long ago by someone I took a chance on, and truly cared for? True, if I consider all of the things that might go wrong in a relationship, I might never end up being in one myself. This is what I'm trying to deal with in the coming year. I'm beginning to understand and engrave in my head, that all miseries are a result of me living in the past or worrying about the future, and worrying about my future is ruining a perfectly good present.

2014 is the year where I will make an effort to give a special someone a chance, and hopefully he will handle my heart with care. Finally, this goes out to anyone in a relationship that has turned sour at some time during the year. Just remember: one door may close behind you, but another door is bound to open ahead of you. Let's leave behind we don't need to carry into 2014. How you spend the rest of your year is up to you...

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Kill It Or Cure It

We had a big turning on of the Christmas lights celebration right after Thanksgiving, followed by the lighting of the Christmas tree in downtown Chicago. There were fireworks a kindle fair and of course, the atmosphere was electric (pun intended). The build-up and all the hype of the Christmas holiday season has definitely started! Christmas can be a welcome break from work and routine, but it can also be a peak time of stress for your relationship. We have the opportunity to use the Christmas period to spend quality time with the ones we love, and to slow down and relax. We look forward to spending time doing what we please. However, far from slowing down and relaxing, we can often feel overwhelmed and anxious as we strive to meet our own and others high expectations. Far from being the relaxing oasis from the daily grind, the Christmas holidays can feel rushed and pressurized as we take on one obligation after another. We rush to send out Christmas cards, make plans for social events, attend Christmas services, go to school concerts and family get togethers. This can all be great fun, but all this frenetic activity can put your relationship under a lot of pressure…

Did you know that most break-ups occur over the Christmas-New Year's holiday season? We can put ourselves under a lot of pressure because we feel guilty and selfish about not meeting the needs of others. We feel we “ought” to be rushing around keeping everyone happy, but this sense of obligation can have a toxic effect on our relationships. It’s OK to give yourself permission NOT to write hundreds of Christmas cards, or go to every office party, etc. It’s NOT being selfish or mean to say “no” when you really don’t feel like it. It’s not being selfish to cut back on obligations that maybe aren’t in your best interests in order to spend time nurturing your relationship. Although we may feel that our partner is the most important person in the world, we often don’t prioritize our relationship:

• We allow family, friends to come first.
• We get distracted by phone calls or text messages, instead of giving our partner our undivided attention.
• We take each other for granted and break arrangements with each other when some thing else “comes up”.
• We end up arguing over trival things, and avoid addressing the root causes.
• We have good ideas about where we could be going with our relationship, but these ideas often don’t get beyond the planning stage in our own minds.
• We simply don’t spend quality time together.

The Christmas holiday season is a good time to give yourself permission to put aside obligations that might be having a bad effect on your relationship, and using that time to cherish and grow your relationship. Its an ideal opportunity to reflect on what you both really want and need from your relationship, and talk together with your partner about how to get it. Here are a couple of golden nuggets I’ve picked up along the way in getting a better understanding of what to do.

• Instead of watching your favorite episode of whatever, switch off the TV and talk for an hour. If nothing else this shows you value your relationship.
• Start the conversation by each saying three things you respect, value and appreciate about the other.

Remember, the more you invest in your relationship, the more you will value it...

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: When Do You "Gift" In A Relationship

Dear Relationship Lessons,

I’ve been dating this guy for about four months. We talk every day whether it’s text, call, or Skype. We see each other about once a week. I met a few of his family members. We have tons of fun together. He shares things with me that I think are personal, and vice versa. He’ll ask questions about things I’ve told him in previous conversations and the whole nine yards. I would think it’s safe to assume we have pretty good communication. The only thing is we've never established exclusivity. I thought about asking, but that question seemed premature so I decided to hold off asking.  So my concern is should I get him a gift for Christmas? He’s in a bit of a financial bind with a family emergency, which is why I didn’t suggest exchanging gifts. I ask because I just celebrated his birthday with him. I treated him to dinner and a fun activity that he would mention interest in when we first met. I don’t want to smother him or “spoil” him too soon. What are your thoughts? Thanks in advance for your advice.

The holidays are always the time for people in relationship purgatory or the friend zone to determine whether or not they will show their level of affection via Christmas gift. Your plight is similar to situations we have all found ourselves in before. I also think we can overthink these situations at times. So let me present to you my two general rules of engagement for gift giving over the holidays:

1) If you are committed, this is a no-brainer. It doesn’t matter if you dated for 6 months or six minutes. When you both decide to be exclusive and present each other with a title, it’s almost a given that you would spend holidays exchanging gifts and enjoying each others time. With great titles come great responsibility, and you should treat the holidays accordingly. It shouldn’t be any pressure, but broaching the subject should be easier since the idea of gifts during the holidays will be in the back of both of your minds. 

2) If you start dating within the holiday season, you are not obligated to get a gift. Starting to date someone during the holiday months (basically Oct-Dec) means things are fresh. You aren’t exclusive but you enjoy each others company, you go out, you might get physical, etc. During this time the holiday months come up and you feel anxiety over giving a gift. I say don’t in this case. It’s completely optional and you don’t even have to bring it up, especially if you two date other people. You could always pull the high school maneuver and break up before Christmas and make up after New Years Day, but I wouldn’t recommend such actions.

You mentioned that you have been dating this gentleman for four months. So that would be outside of my timeline highlighted in rule #2. You also said that you don’t want to spoil him too soon. Well since you have been dating him for 120 days, I think you are comfortably out of the “too soon” zone. You know one another, and although you two aren’t committed, you have an idea of likes and dislikes, and you probably do nice things for each other. You took him out for his birthday recently and “a fun activity he’d mention interest in when you two first met” [DECODED: She did "that thing he likes", Salute!]. So why would you think that a gift during the holidays would constitute spoiling him? 

As men, we know that women naturally go all out for times of the year like the holiday season. Women emote more maturely and better than men most of the time, and know how to express their feelings via gestures such as gift giving. Maybe you wanted to blow his mind with a thoughtful gift and you’re unsure of whether you should do this for a dude that isn’t your man. That’s understandable. Also, if dude is in a financial bind, you don’t want to put the added pressure of impressing you with a gift. I would say the gift exchange is a good idea. maybe set some ground rules on a price cap. I used to do "White Elephant" gift exchanging, which worked out great. We really had to be creative within a budget constraint. That way, he won’t feel emasculated by your suggestion that he should cap his spending when it will be within the rules of your gift giving exercise. Plus it will be FUN! Worst case scenario: you just enjoy each others company and have an awesome dinner date. Dating and relationships around Christmas time doesn’t always have to be about the pomp and circumstance. Don’t stress this situation. Be conscious of your own feelings and his situation, and suggest the best course of action. The holidays is a time to chill with loved ones and enjoy company. Gifts are a bonus. Remember this and you will be straight...

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Difference Between Alone and Lonely

Laying there at night, taking inventory of your life and it's inevitable that you'll think on a past relationship and ask yourself, “did I fumble?” Hindsight is always 20/20, and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s abound when you look back at experiences that seemed muddled at the time. Now, everything appears exceedingly clear: you should have gone left instead of right, zigged instead of zagged, on and on to infinity. I am convinced that the easiest way to give yourself a meltdown is to second-guess your moves in life. In love, like chess, you can’t take a move back. At times like these, you are experiencing a normal reaction to being alone. As social creatures, we all crave intimate connection to an individual, family and community. So a streak of loneliness while single is natural, and to be expected. But it can also be dangerous, leading you to engage in behavior to satisfy short-term needs, while having long-lasting effects. And so we must learn how to identify the signs, work through lonely periods, and conduct ourselves properly when interacting with others from a place of neediness/loneliness.

There is a difference between being alone, and being lonely. Alone is a status - someone who is single with little or no action in their love life is technically inactive and alone. They don’t have a special someone to share their burden, so they must keep their own counsel, and their rise or demise is entirely their own. When alone, you can take all the credit for the wins, but you assume all responsibility for the losses too. It is as frightening as it is liberating, and you will discover exactly what you are capable of – to the most positive and negative extremes. With a determined mind you can make phenomenal strides in self-improvement, or descend into a pit of depravity because you have no one to catch your fall, or propel you forward.

This self-sufficiency makes single life so important because tests that determine our passage to the next level are often solo endeavors. You may even notice that certain doors only admit one at a time, and spiritual discoveries only happen between you and God. And with a constant focus on companionship, you can slow or even block your personal progress. If you don’t acknowledge the value of solitude, embrace and develop your oneness, you squander valuable opportunities to become even more of a catch for your next mate. Which brings us to loneliness, which is not a status, but a feeling – and a mindset in extreme cases. We all experience short periods of loneliness, even when in a relationship. The benefit of companionship carries with it physical and emotional perks that simply cannot be had elsewhere. So yeah, you’re gonna miss “The D” or "The P" from time to time. In the midst of trials and tribulations, with no one to lick your wounds, it is natural to feel a heightened desire for your other half. Family and friends can offer support to a point, but they’ll never match the closeness that accompanies romantic connection. 

It's important to note that loneliness is a temporary feeling, so be careful not to open a door that cannot be closed. You risk ruining the emotional well-being of an innocent lover by opening something that for you may be temporary, and for them may be permanent. Karma frowns on that type of behavior, so beware of awakening someone’s desire only to placate your temporary needs. That is perhaps one of the greatest missteps you can make as a single man or woman. The problem is, we often don’t know which desires are temporary and fleeting until after we take the plunge. One indicator that you shouldn’t dwell in your loneliness is that you only desire companionship during a low point in your own progress. Whether this is due to unfulfilled expectations, or you seeing people winning in love, the fact remains that these thoughts emanate from a place of longing, not a genuine desire to kindle a new flame. When you’re riding high, you couldn’t care less about what’s going on with so-and-so, because you’re focused on building your empire. But in those drought periods where your money is acting funny, your situation isn’t ideal and your confidence is bruised, we are weak enough to accept damn near anyone. 

The pressure is enough to break your composure like a matchstick. And when you begin to have lingering doubts, frustrations, and a willingness to sacrifice your standards just for physical or emotional attention, you have accepted the mindset of loneliness. This ongoing state of neediness is reached when we have so many holes in our lives that we rely on another to distract us from doing the work of filling them. Unfortunately, that does more harm than good. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that lonely individuals are not with you for you, they are with you because they cannot stand to be alone. To cut to the heart of the matter, many people are not comfortable in their own skin, or their own space in their own lives. They long for the physical or emotional company of others, and it really doesn’t matter who provides it. They seek distraction between the arms or legs of another, simply because isolation forces one to confront his or her flaws, insecurities, and shortcomings rather than ignore their realities. You become almost like a drug to help numb them from whatever pain they are avoiding. Viewed that way, do you really want to answer that 2am “Hey Stranger” text?

You must begin to see whether people are reaching out to you because they genuinely desire you, or because of a deep-seated loneliness. In addition, make sure that your interactions with others are not born from the same emptiness that causes people to make decisions in poor judgment. As a general rule of thumb, matters of the heart ought never to be made from a position of desperation – and as obvious as that sounds, we’ve all done it. The solution is to learn to identify the source of your desires in order to pursue the genuine, not the superficial. It may take longer, but it will be well worth it...

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The 12 Blogs of Christmas: What Determines Being In Love?

It's December, and as the calendar just so conveniently worked it in my favor, I'm on pace to post 12 blogs between now and New Year's Eve. So in a clever stroke of momentary geniusness, I've decided to call all of December's work "The 12 Blogs of Christmas". Some posts will have to do with the Christmas season, but they all will stick with the love & relationships theme. Hope these lessons help you in whatever season you're in right now...

Love (noun) - perfect time, perfect person, perfect place… 

We all know this is not the definition of love and some would argue that there really is no one way to describe the feeling, but this is the definition that I am giving love today. Love is not something that is easy to come by, and as Love's #1 fan, I strongly believe that you can’t help when, where, or with whom it happens. This is why I believe that when all three factors of when, where, and with whom align perfectly, it must be inevitable that you have found “the one”.

I consistently converse with people from all over the world about their long distance relationships, their sub-par long-term mates, their inconvenient relationships, etc. It seems unbelievable to me when I meet a few couples that has made it all work. Does true love force people into finding a way through those three aforementioned factors that are bound to end any love affair? If you are reading this and don’t know the answer to the question, have you just not found love in its truest form? It’s definitely a question worth pondering.

I was inspired to write this article because of how often I watch relationships fail due to the lack of perfect timing, the perfect person, or the perfect place. The number one and two reasons being perfect timing and perfect place — in that order. In this day in age, especially for young twenty and thirty-something’s, careers, societal demands, and opportunity make you live life at astronomical speeds as you race to find the next big promotion or life achievement. You're so busy living for the future that you may forget to take time to live in the moment. Even in my late 40's, I put love to the side because it’s not the perfect time, or things haven’t necessarily fallen into place yet. However, I'm challenging all of us to ask ourselves 1) will they ever really will fall in place the way we want? 2) will we continue to run a rat race that causes us to miss out on what is right in front of our faces?

What about the third reason of the perfect place? Far too often I see lovers in two completely different areas trying to make a long distance relationship work. It's always stated that love comes few and far between, so just because it may be far away, doesn’t mean we immediately write it off. However, what eventually happens is the distance causes a wedge, and it gives us an excuse to quit because we “aren’t in the same place”.

I don’t write this to say I have all the answers. I challenge everyone before we head into another year, to take a second to stop and think about whether one or more of these three factors (the alignment of where you fall in love, when you fall in love, and with whom you fall in love) have prohibited you from pursuing love. I think those lucky people who have accomplished it have found harmony in the three, and because of that, I’m giving love this new definition today...

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