When To Say Those Three Little Words

So you think you've met the man of your dreams? Does your heart sing? Does your pulse race? Do you walk around all starry-eyed, having trouble thinking about anything other than him? You want to tell him that you love him, and that you think that he's "The One"...but you don't want to seem clingy, or scare him off. We've all heard horror stories about one partner telling the other that they love them, and then getting the "thanks, but no thanks" response. Maybe you've experienced it yourself, adding to your fears. So how do you tell him that you love him without coming off like a creepy stalker?

1) Choose the right place and the right time. Think hard about when and where you want to tell him. If you're worried that he won't respond with enthusiasm, it helps to be prepared. Maybe you'd like to tell him on the anniversary of when you met, or at the place you first kissed, or over dinner at your favorite restaurant. Set the stage for romance and he'll respond more positively.

2) Make sure you can back it up. Before you blurt out "I love you," tell him what you appreciate about him. Compliment him and tell him what it is about him that you really like. Tell him how wonderful he makes you feel when you're together and why you value your relationship. Be sincere, and be specific. Let him know that you value him for the many things that make him unique and special.

3) Consider the type of person he is. If he's a fun-loving, casual type, setting up a full-scale romantic assault may actually make him feel more nervous than passionate. He might respond better if you slip "I love you" into a conversation over a picnic lunch, or while laughing at one of your favorite movies. By the time you get to expressing your love, you should know him pretty well - so pick a time and a place that will be most comfortable for him.

4) Share it, don't demand it. You want to tell him how you feel, not blackmail him into saying it back. He may not be ready to say it yet, and if he feels pressured he'll resent you for it. And no matter what you do, never blurt it out as part of an argument. Screeching, "But I love you!" isn't romantic, it's pretty disturbing and very selfish.

5) Take the coward's way out. If you can't bring yourself to flat-out say "I love you," try a less pressure-filled way of saying the same thing. "I love having your arms around me," "I love how you look in that shirt" and "I really love the way your eyes twinkle when you smile" are smaller declarations, and a good way to gauge his feelings.

6) Don't say it while under the influence. A glass of wine may give you the courage to say those three little words, but several glasses of wine will just make you sloppy and silly. Besides, think of the message you're sending him if it looks like you had to get drunk to tell him you love him! Do it while sober, so both of you know that you mean exactly what you say.

7) Be prepared for the worst (a spinoff of #4).  No matter how much you fantasize about him saying "I love you" back, Don't place all your hopes on it. He may not be ready. Worse, he may not feel the same way about you. Saying "I love you" should be a gift from you to him, not a demand to reciprocate. And if you pin all your hopes on him responding in exactly the way you've imagined, you may very well be disappointed.

Have a back-up plan in place in case he doesn't return your feelings. Know in advance that you may end up crying into your pillow or sitting up late with a girlfriend grumbling about your broken heart. If he says "I love you" back, that's great. But if he doesn't, it'll go better for you if you've already prepared yourself for that possibility. Above all, remember that saying "I love you" doesn't really change anything. While it may be the ending to every romantic movie, exchanging those words doesn't mean happily ever after. It just means that you're moving into a slightly different phase of your relationship. There is still a lot to share with each other, and who knows what joys and challenges lie ahead?

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The Tale of Two Men: Mr. Fabulous vs. Mr. Strong and Steady

Here’s a really simplistic way to evaluate men. Let’s just put men into two categories: One group of men we’ll call fabulous, and the other will be those that are strong and steady. Realize with all things, this isn’t to say that there are men who are entirely fabulous or that there are men who are only strong and steady. Usually a ratio of 60-40 is a good measurement. These are going to be their predominant way of relating to you and relating to the world around them.

Fabulous men are those who tend to go more up and down with their moods. When they are feeling energized and good about themselves, they can be very exciting but also very intimate, quiet, and focused. They have an ability to use their intuition at times to almost read a woman’s mind. They may or may not be loud and they may not be the life of the party, but there is an emotional connection that a woman feels with a man like this that seems almost magical and effortless. This is the type of man that a woman is most likely to say, “We just clicked when we first met. It was as though he could read my mind.” This type of man has the ability to make a woman feel very excited, energized, alive, and passionate.

A strong and steady man doesn’t have the swings in mood that the fabulous one does. It’s not that he can’t be empathetic. It’s not that he can’t be engaging and kind and gracious. It’s just that this type of man usually takes longer to get to know before you feel any of these things from him. These men tend to be a little more guarded with their feelings and have their relationships move at a slower pace. If you’ve ever had a relationship with a man that professed his love early in the relationship, you are almost assuredly not dealing with this type. A strong and steady man is safe and a bit more predictable than his counterpart, Mr. Fabulous.

Now initially, when I mention these two types of men, the obvious answer from most women is, “I want Mr. Fabulous.” I mean, based on what I just told you – who wouldn’t want someone exciting? If that’s all there was to these two types, the choice would be obvious. But there’s a downside that each of these types carries with them. A man that has a fabulous ability is often moody. That same quality that enables him to be intuitive and in touch with a woman’s feelings means he is going to be more in touch with his own feelings, even the darker ones. He’s not going to be as good at containing his doubts as Mr. Strong-Steady. The fabulous man is going to be one who will be more likely to experience doubts about a relationship once it is going well. Thinking that he’s gotten into a relationship and it is gone fast and effortless, this type of man will tend to think that the relationship should stay effortless forever. Once it’s not effortless, and there is the first inclination of boredom or the first disagreement comes about, he begins to question the entire relationship. Some of his questioning may be because of his childhood experiences and past unresolved issues. But even with years of therapy, this type of man will always have a tendency, even if it’s slight, to have doubts about a relationship from time to time because he’s more feeling-oriented than a man who is more stable. The fabulous man is very exciting but the downside is that his doubts and impatience will scare you from time to time.
 

Strong and steady men are more predictable, and therefore safer. This type of man is not going to have a lot of doubts once he has decided he cares for a woman. He will not have the mood swings because he does not get as high from excitement as often. The strong and steady type does not rely on the intensity of feelings that a fabulous man does. He feels deeply, but it takes him longer to achieve this emotional bond with a woman, and there is less concern of him being unfaithful. The downside of this type of man is that he will be a little boring at times. In reality, he really isn’t boring, but whenever anything is safe, it feels a little dull. A safe job, a safe stock, and safe friends aren’t as exciting because there isn’t as much to lose. The strong and steady man, because of his predictability, won’t provide as many emotional swings that some women crave. Many women love the drama that comes with relationships.

When I explain the two types of men with a client, inevitably they say, “I like a mixture of both.” Remember, every man is a mixture of both, but they will have one primary style of relating to the world. If you insist on having a perfect mixture of both (50-50), then what you really want in a husband is a father figure. If a man were to be equally both types, he wouldn’t need a woman in his life unless he’s looking for a woman to dominate. He doesn’t need anyone to make him complete. He’s complete in and of himself, or in other words, he’s narcissistic...he's me!

So the simple version about determining what type of man you want is to ask yourself this question: would you rather have a man that is going to scare you at times (with his self doubts or temper) or would you rather have a man who will bore you at times (with his steadiness and strength)? Not all the time, not even most of the time, but these uncomfortable traits will appear because every gift comes with a shadow. Remember, you can have either type of man you want, but the type of man you pick determines how you have to interact with him to maintain a relationship...

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The Challenge of Being Kind

“Little things seem nothing, but they give peace, like those meadow flowers, which individually seem odorless but altogether perfume the air” – George Bernanos

Last week, I went to eat and watch the football game at a local sports bar. I was fortunate enough to receive service from what proved to be the greatest waitress I’ve ever come across. I was in the midst of a really bad day, and she was the perfect antidote. She must've seen the tensity in my shoulders, the sadness hiding behind my smile, and the uneasiness in my speech. When the game was close to being over, I paid for my food, left a tip, and wrote a note letting her know that her presence was felt and that she brightened what was left of my day.

Yesterday while dining at the same bar, she walked over to my table, hugged me and let me know that she appreciated my note and it lifted her spirit that night because she too was dealing with some things that had her in a less than stellar mood. I was happy to know that I was able to reciprocate the energy last night. Oftentimes, we ignore the small things by giving all of our praise to the big things, as if the big things itself isn’t the sum total of all its small parts. I challenge you this week to make it a priority to do something small for someone.It doesn't have to be recognized by everyone, it may not even be acknowledged by the one you extend the kindness to. If anything, it is designed to make YOU feel better even if it does nothing for the other person. 

Use my experience as a teachable moment for your relationship: Doing a small, kind gesture per day could possibly be used to keep away the drama that oftentimes creep into our relationships. In relationships, we tend to take the other person for granted just because they aren't going anywhere. I believe that if they have proven to you they aren't going anywhere, you should all the more intensify the kindness towards them.

In the words of the late great Maya Angelou: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel".

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Some Fatherly (Relationship and Life) Advice

As the father of a very talented 13 year old boy, I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about if it was possible to give him a gift that he will value for his entire lifetime. After a lot of self-reflection, I finally decided on exactly what that gift should be: I want him to have a healthy fear of death. Wait, what? Yeah, I said it. In reality, we should all fear death, but not in the way that you may think. What I’m referring to is dying before we’re dead. Sadly, many people die thousands of tiny little deaths before they finally make it official, and that is not the life that I want for my son. I’ve experienced those tiny little deaths far too often in my own life, and not only was it excruciatingly painful each time that a piece of me died, but I know that each of those tiny little deaths also has the power to send my son to the grave much sooner than necessary too. That’s why I am sharing this gift with him now. I’m not naive, I understand that many of the lessons below may be ignored by my son until he’s much older, and that he’ll need to experience the pain of these silent killers in order for the message to truly stick. But hey, it won’t stop a loving dad from trying anyway. My hope is that when Jonathan is old enough to fully understand the importance of this blog post, he’ll use these lessons to fully claim the best life possible. You on the other hand, you can learn from these lessons now, so below are the five ways how we die way before we reach the grave.

Death #1, Keeping Toxic People in Your Life “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” - Maya Angelou

This silent killer is listed first because it can wreak havoc in so many areas of our lives if we don’t handle it quickly and with ruthless precision. Toxic people are the ones who are hopelessly negative, consistently draining your energy, intimidating and manipulating of others, emotionally abusive, and they have little regard for the feelings of anyone else besides their own. This might sound harsh (and I hope it does), but I want my son to think of toxic people like a disease. My hope for Jonathan is that he views toxic people in the exact same way. Just like cancer, the best solution and hope for recovery with toxic people is complete removal. Sure, this is a lesson that may have to wait until he is old enough to date (shudder), but once he has determined that a person in his life is toxic and deeply harming his life, then I hope that he will have the strength and wisdom to walk away and never look back. It doesn’t matter who it is either—it could be future girlfriends, a long-time school buddy, or anyone else. They need to be removed from his life without apologies or hesitation, and it needs to be removed from your life as well. Simply put, some people need to be loved from a distance.

Death #2, Believing the Naysayers “Someone’s opinion of you does not have to be your reality.” - Les Brown

Haters, dream stealers, naysayers, it doesn’t matter what we choose to call them, their deadly effect is still the same. Dealing with these people is a fairly simple process, but it’s important that my son is aware of how much harder it can be if the naysayers are “well-meaning” people who he actually likes or loves. My goal is for Jonathan to think of this “well-meaning” stuff a little deeper than most people normally do. What if as an adult, he could have become an astronaut, a professional baseball player, or a physician, but he didn’t fully go after his dreams because he believed the “well-meaning” experts who advised him to dream more “realistic” dreams? Once he gets older, what if he could have left a dysfunctional relationship and found true love, but he believed his “well-meaning” friends who told him that all of the good women are already taken? I hope that he won’t be too far into adulthood before he realizes this life-affirming truth: Advice from anyone that would drive him in the opposite direction of his dreams isn’t “well-meaning”, it’s dangerous. I want him to know that dreams are in his head for a reason, they are his life blood at 13. They don’t belong to his future significant other, his friends, his teachers, or even to his mom and dad—his dreams belong to him! I will urge him not to try to silence that persistent voice inside of him (and inside of all of us too) that is nudging him to go after his best life, because it will not work. It will never work.

Death #3, Being Happy Later. “Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.” - Jim Rohn

Too many people (myself included) have spent too many years of their lives with the happiness formula backward. They wait until they leave their loveless relationship and find true love before they give themselves permission to be happy. They wait until their bathroom scale, bank account, or amount of Twitter followers displays a certain number before they give themselves permission to be happy. They wait until their bully boss either gets fired or quits before they give themselves permission to be happy. Sadly, that is not how happiness works. It’s not even close actually. That is what I want my son to know. The truth is, chasing happiness outside of ourselves is like eating cotton candy for energy. Sure, as a kid it might make him feel energized or happy temporarily, but it will never nourish as deeply or for as long as he wishes it would. So, if you keep chasing happiness, it will be just like stuffing your face with cotton candy for a temporary high, and predictably, it’ll keep slowing you down while dying in the process. There is a much better way. As Jonathan progresses in his journey, I desperately want him (and you) to fully reject the delusion of “I’ll be happy when…” and make the life-affirming choice to be happy now. True long-lasting happiness doesn’t have to wait for anything, and more importantly, it will never be found outside of ourselves. That’s because real happiness is, and always will be, an inside job. And I want my son to know that for this job, he will always be the boss.

Death #4, Chronically Complaining. “You don’t make progress by standing on the sidelines whimpering and complaining. You make progress by implementing ideas.” - Shirley Chisholm

There is no habit in the world that is more useless and destructive to our overall health and well-being than the soul-destroying act of chronically complaining. As a former chronic complainer myself, I’ll do anything that I can to help my son avoid traveling down the same dark dead-end road that I did. Not only is it a habit that is bad for anyone’s health (mental and otherwise), it will negatively affect your ability to creatively solve the problems in your life, it will make you dumber, and maybe worst of all, it is also damaging to the health and sanity of the people who are stuck listening to your whining on a daily basis. In the case Jonathan becomes addicted to the life-stealing habit of chronically complaining like his dad once did, the best gift that I can give him to break the addiction is the gift of “Complaining Detoxification”. It’s a life-changing exercise and I hope that he (and we) will try it often. All that it requires is the willingness to go 24-hours, a full weekend, or even an entire week without complaining, and I hope that Jonathan would be up for the challenge. Speaking from experience, I can say with confidence that not only can a “Complaining Detox” positively change your life quicker than you ever thought possible, but it could even save your life too.

Death #5, Failing to Take Personal Responsibility. “The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. The gift of life is yours. It’s an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.” - Dan Zadra

The most important point of all for my son, and quite possibly the hardest one to master for any of us, has been left for last. There is little to no hope of avoiding a slow death at the hands of the previous four points above if he (or we) fail to master this one. Most people would agree that no one besides Beyonce lives a flawless life, right? I’m confident that in less than five minutes, most people could list at least 20 issues that they would like to improve, change, or remove from their daily lives. I know that I could. Truthfully that’s okay, but what’s not okay is choosing to make excuses or blame others for why those issues are in our lives in the first place. Doing so is basically stating that those things and/or other people have the power over the quality of our lives. This is the most powerful life-stealing force that I want my son (and all of us) to avoid. Throughout our lives, we will either choose to give our power away by making excuses, or we will keep our power by stating confidently that we are in full control of our lives. One option is life-affirming, however the other option will kill our lives and our dreams faster than we could’ve ever imagined. Accepting 100% responsibility for the awesomeness (or lack of it) in our lives is what true heroes do every day. After years of doing the opposite, it’s now what Jonathan’s dad has committed to do every day. That commitment comes from remembering that we may not be able to control the events in our lives, but we can always choose our responses to them.

As always, the choice will always be ours. Luckily in this case, the choice is a very simple one and it’s the message that I want to give to you and to Jonathan more than anything...

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Five Things To Do While Waiting On Him

I know a lot of women who’ve gone through painstaking processes just trying to figure out if a man was interested in them. In fact, let’s take it a step further…I often get asked by my female friends about what they should do when they’re in those initial stages of mental bliss. So today, I’m going to provide a little 5 step manual for what women should do in the mean time between time while you’re flipping out waiting for us to show you that we actually do like you. Mind you, I’m aware that men play mental gymnastics as well, but then again, so do squirrels. It may not have anything to do with the price of tea in China, but today it all about helping the ladies out with the five things you should do while waiting for him to prove himself. 

1. Calm the hell down. You solve nothing by going ballistic and over analyzing every single email and/or text he sends you. And trust me, all men know that women love the smiley face. It’s why Forrest Gump created them. 

2. Don’t call him all the time. For one, he won’t answer. For two, you’re putting all of yours cards on the table by letting him know how pressed you are. The same way that we like to imagine what it's like to kiss you is the same way we like to think about the chick we just met who might be the last chick we get to kiss ever. The only thing that should be open 24/7 is 7-Eleven.

3. Get a little ghost on occasion. Don’t be so available. Make the dude feel like he’s working for something. If you keep making yourself available and present ALL THE TIME, what kind of life do you actually live? You should have a schedule, an agenda, appointments of your own, your calendar should be full of things to do without him. Say, "I'd love to do that with you, but I have something to do that day". See what he does next to close the deal...

4. Don’t accidentally be where you know he’s going to be. Just because he tells you where he’s going doesn’t mean he wants you to show up there. In fact, unless he says, “You should come here…” keep your happy self 100 feet away at all times unless your presence is specifically requested. I knew a woman who somehow liked to pop up where I was going to be. She popped up at my home and was hanging outside, just in case I wanted to see her. Creepy...

5. Perhaps you should continue dating. Just because you two met and hit it off doesn’t mean that he’s ready to bet the farm on you. In fact, most of us don’t even have a farm to bet, so why in the heck would we be ready to close up shop when we don’t even own one? Think about that. It’s deep. And remember, don’t get so caught up in that one dude that you forget YOU’RE NOT DATING.

Just adding some levity in today's lesson but you should pay attention to them, they just might work...

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I'm Letting My Wife Go (Guest Blogger)

Love is about sacrifice, and when you sacrifice all you believe for someone you believe in more, the results could reap greatly in your favor. When I read this blogger's work, I had to share it with you because it represents everything I believe a relationship should be. From the viewpoint of Seth Adam Smith, and hopefully every married man out there...

 

I’m sure it may come as a shock to some people, but I let my wife go. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but it was the right thing for the both of us. No, we’re not getting a divorce and no, we’re not separating. Truth be told, the practice of “letting go” has actually brought us closer together. But in order to understand what I mean by “letting go,” you must first understand that Kim and I are two very different people. In fact, the differences between us were Kim’s primary concern with us getting married. “Seth, a fish may love a bird” she said, “but where would they live?” I smiled at the comparison because it’s fairly accurate.

Kim and I are incredibly different people. She’s the oldest in her family; I’m the youngest in mine. She’s very responsible; I’m…very much not. She loves the city; I prefer the country. She loves healthy food; I love junk food. She enjoys school; I despise school. She wants to watch British dramas; I’d rather watch comedies. She loves to sing and dance; I’d rather not. She prefers flying; I prefer driving. She loves to be with people, and I’d prefer to be alone. Kim is a driven, career-minded, goal-oriented woman, while I, on the other hand, am a laid-back fellow who prefers gardening and writing over anything else. To put it simply, Kim is an extrovert while I am an introvert. Frankly, it sometimes amazes me that Kim and I even met, let alone got married! But after knowing Kim for ten years, I knew that I simply couldn’t live without her. Despite our many differences, the fish loved the bird and the bird loved the fish. So we put our faith in that love and did the only thing a fish and a bird could do: we got married and built a bird bath.

The bird bath is a symbol for our middle ground, the place where we come together, but it’s also the place from which we feel comfortable to let each other go. To “let go” of someone is to love them enough to let them fly or swim away (or to be themselves) and yet trust that they will always come back. For if we truly love each other, we have to be willing to “let each other go” to become the best versions of ourselves. Kim encourages me to keep swimming (develop my talents), and I encourage her to fly higher (chase her dreams). Abusive, one-sided relationships are heartbreaking to me. How can we claim to love someone and then try to limit that person’s identity? Marriage is a union, to be sure, but it’s a union that should liberate, not incarcerate. Real love shouldn’t limit a person’s potential, it should expand it. Real love tells me to let Kim fly, and trust that she’ll always come back. I have to let her go so she can chase her dreams, pursue her education, and develop her talents. Additionally, I have to let go of my fears that she might fly away and never come back. If the fish were to clip the bird’s wings, he would risk trimming her dreams and smothering her altogether. That being said, I wish I could say that I’m perfect at letting my wife fly, but I’m not. In the end, we’re still two very different people. I have some deeply rooted insecurities, and we’ve had to learn to navigate each others personalities. But while I certainly can’t tell you that I’m perfect, I can tell you that every time I’ve encouraged Kim to fly, she loves me all the more for supporting her and having the faith to let her go.

So if you truly love someone, have the faith to “let them go.” Encourage them to be the fullest measure of themselves, and you will be overwhelmed by the love that your spouse returns to you.

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Confessions of a Recovering Narcissistic Bastard

I can admit it: I am a recovering narcissistic bastard! Much of my life energy was spent in pursuit of what I wanted, what I needed, and what I thought was best. “Narcissism” is a term from psychopathology, but it’s essentially a fancy term for extreme selfishness. Now before you look at me with those judgmental eyes of yours, let me just point out that I might not be the only one reading this who can identify with what I am about to say. Follow along, if you will... 

I had good relationships with great women; strong, smart sexy females who thought I was a great guy…until I suddenly withdrew, or made plans without checking with them, or took off to chase success, or an intense experience, or another woman. As long as my needs were getting met in the relationship, I was pretty happy. But when they weren’t, I began looking around for the next opportunity to fulfill my desires. My partners were not weak or timid. They often confronted me about my choices and behavior, but my answer was typical of an intelligent narcissist: “If you want to be in relationship with me, you have to accept me as I am.”  And they did, until they couldn’t take it anymore. I felt completely justified in my world-view. If they couldn’t love me as I was, there were plenty of women who would. Still judging me? Ok, let's continue...

Each time I made a mess of a personal (or business) relationship, I felt bad. I recognized the damage I was causing, and began to look inward for answers in therapy, and in my men’s group. I read books and articles about narcissism, and worked on changing my beliefs, my early programming, and my social conditioning. I knew I had to change. I wanted to learn how to really love. To do this, I needed to learn how to be unselfish. Selfishness appears in a wide spectrum, stretching from healthy self-care to moderate and socially acceptable personal goal achievement, to the extreme form of destructive narcissism; individuals who don’t care about the impact of their selfish behavior on others. That one was me, hands down. We are all selfish at times. When you focus on taking care of yourself, or making yourself comfortable, this is a healthy form of selfishness, as long as it’s not taken to an extreme. Healthy people learn how to set good boundaries, and pursue their own interests realistically. They develop personal esteem, mature principles, and can accomplish their goals. From a solid sense of self, they can form deep relationships with others. We all want to be cared for. The trick is to learn to love as an activity you actively engage in, not a state you expect to be swept up into. In a mature relationship, each person takes full responsibility for the entire triumvirate: oneself, the other person, and the third entity: the relationship itself. 

Relationships fail when partners focus too much on getting their own needs met, and not enough on the needs of the other. This results in arguments over whose needs are most important, which is almost always damaging. Psychologically, it’s hard to focus on the other person’s needs when your own needs are screaming out to be cared for, but if you can, your relationship deepens as does your capacity to love. Because safety is a key to a making a relationship work, narcissism is destabilizing and damaging. Someone who acts selfishly without regard for the other, like I did for so long, is unpredictable. At any time, they may suddenly focus on getting their own needs met, and withdraw from the two-ness (yes, I made up a word) of the relationship. Ultimately, in my journey from narcissism to healthy loving partnership, the woman I now love has been a teacher. She has shown that honoring the needs of someone worth loving can bring with it a potent sense of satisfaction and well being, more so than any of the short-term fixes of following selfish impulses.

In her own words: “Men: Do you want your woman to really open to you, with her heart, mind and passionate body? The key to this reality is your honest, continuous care about her, and about your impact on her. You can tell when you have hurt her, or harmed the relationship with your selfish behavior. She will react quickly, look unhappy, and express disappointment. She withdraws when you try to relate to her, close down and disconnect – the opposite of how you want her to be with you. You don’t need to be perfect or relate perfectly, you just need to own that you caused damage when it happens, get curious, and repair it as quickly as possible. If you make your woman’s happiness your priority, she will fill up with her own Feminine Spirit and want to give you her best all the time. You’ll get your deepest needs fulfilled as a result.”

Ultimately, narcissism is a win-lose game. But I have learned that when I consider self and others equally, and when I put my partner’s needs alongside my own, we both win. And that is a sweet place to land. Still looking at me as a narcissistic bastard? It's okay, I'm still in recovery. My question to you is, can the man or woman you love say the same thing? 

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Lessons in Domestic Violence

As the TMZ video footage of the violent interaction between former Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice and his then fiancée but now wife Janay gets replayed repeatedly across networks and websites, I have to turn away. This is not an attempt to avoid the reality that is domestic violence, but honestly, I didn’t need to see the blow-by-blow imagery to understand what had happened in that elevator. I am left wondering how the bigger issue of domestic violence (in this case, toward women) will be handled moving forward.

The national eye has been reverted back to what the NFL hoped would disappear from the public’s collective consciousness. From the ugliness the security footage shows, however, we may get some resulting positivity. In trying to understand domestic violence, many people ask the question, “… but, why doesn’t she leave?” Those who have experienced domestic violence firsthand took to Twitter and formed #WhyIStayed, a hashtag for women to publicly open up and share accounts of why they remained in relationships with abusers.

A big part of adult life is being able to acknowledge a situation and admit that you do not know everything. As a man, I understand that the majority of society’s rules are to my advantage, so when something arises that I do not understand, it’s my job to sit and listen. Friends have personally called and come to me in the aftermath of being physically abused. When this happens, I typically have two reactions: One is to hurt the abuser, and the other is to make sure my friend stays away from the abuser. In these cases, the abusers weren’t great guys, but due to the relationships they had with these women and the kids they shared, the women felt an obligation to work things out. For years, this has held me in a state of confusion. It logically doesn’t compute and still doesn’t. It may never make sense to me, but as these women using the hashtag to present the situations they endured and open up old wounds for public viewing, I owe it to them to read, and to listen.

I will read and listen, not in an attempt to debate their truths, but so I can let them know that they are being heard. Many of the tales they have shared thus far have a common denominator of having no outlet, no one to whom they could turn to hear them. Every issue can’t be handled via muscle and force. Many of the women whom I’ve spoken to express the desire, not the need, to be heard and to not have their feelings brushed aside and treated as disposable. So many play the blame game in circumstances of domestic abuse as they search for ways to rationalize and justify the abuse. Many men search for a means to connect the violence with a trigger that the woman must have pulled. It’s always easier to cast blame rather than accept that you (like Ray Rice) are the person who deserves the finger pointed in your direction. 

Take time to listen to someone who may be facing a violent situation. Listen, understand, then be careful to react. Remember, not reacting is still a reaction, so for the sake of the abused or the children in the middle of it...do something! The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233, or you can go to thehotline.org. In Chicago where I live, the number is 877-863-6338.

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Happy Anniversary to Relationship Lessons

September 7, 2012 was the day I stepped out of my VERY private and comfortable comfort zone, and put the following statement out into the never forgiving internet, launching what would be the constantly open window into my life... 

What makes me, out of all of the people in the world, an authority on relationships? To be honest, I've been married before (12 years) to a terrific woman, but I was a bastard in more ways than one. I lied, I cheated, and I destructively controlled my way out of that relationship. After two other marriages didn't last a year combined, it was time for me to think about what was I missing. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I find the answer to how to do right and more importantly, how to BE right? Then it clicked...the epiphany, the ah-ha moment, the "what you say now" moment when it all came together for me. My first ex-wife and I had several relationship books, which at the time she read more of than of than I did. Within the margins of these books, she wrote her view as to where her marriage was at the time, and most of all, what she wasn't getting from me (WOW)! I took the time to read these books from different writers, and from the wife who was giving me documented proof as to just how much of a bastard I really was. So what makes me, out of all of the people in the world, an authority on relationships? The fact that the lessons I've learned haven't made me perfect (there aren't any PERFECT relationships), but they've made me better. Better for the man I am now, and better for the man I'll be in the future. I'll share with you these lessons, and we can all learn from them together...

I have had two years to think things over. I've written 305 posts from that time to now. These posts into my open window have been read almost 200,000 times in what is now over 17 countries. I don't brag on any of these numbers, because I can't even begin to imagine that many people doing anything for me. I was happy and I thought I was doing something with the 44 people I started with in Chicago who supported me on my first day, but I'm thankful to the God I love and worship for making me get out the boat and start walking on the water (for lack of a better term). As I start the third year of advice, confessions, topics and humor, I just want to take time today and thank all of you who faithfully follow the craziness that comes from this bald head of mine every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It hasn't always been easy writing about my life and putting stuff out there that any reasonable man with any good sense of judgement would lock up and throw away the key. Some days I really struggled pressing "publish" and letting particular stories out into the bloggersphere, but on those days, plenty of you out there have reached out to tell me thank you and to keep going. You'll never know how those days pushed me. To every guest blogger who has told their story, wow...it takes a lot of courage to share your story and I will forever applaud you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!  

Well, enough of the mushiness... What have I learned since blog #1? I can honestly tell you that I have learned how to be a friend to my ex wife, and how to partner with her to be the best parent a 13 year old boy could ever ask for. Some men would think that they don't need the mom in order to be a great dad, but I know mommy helps me be daddy. I attribute her to ALL of my success as a dad. I've also  learned that being a bastard is nothing great to brag about, but finally I've learned that there are plenty more bastards out there so my work is far from done. Do I ever want to love and be loved? Absolutely! I said one day on my Facebook page that I didn't know how long I can wait on her, but I plan on waiting a while. That's what happens when a man sees a woman he sees a future with. I'm interested in love, but love is a process with one hell of a backstory so I'm willing to wait. 

I know what I'm being pushed towards doing, and you'll hear more about that at the appropriate time. Your support, your prayers, and your love is appreciated...especially in this unforgiving internet world we live in. People only remember you for the last thing you've ever done for them. I hope my last will be better than my last, and I will carry this relationship lesson with me for as long as I live.

On to year three, type you later... 

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Marriage Advice From A Divorced Man

Historically, marriage proved itself to be a powerful financial arrangement, which allowed two families to bind their influence and resources together. It meant proliferation through the creation of a new generation to carry on the family name. While there’s a secular component to it that still remains, marriage looks a lot different today than it used to. In modern Western society, we have transformed our definition over time to include the tradition of marrying for love. When we get married, we commit ourselves to the idea that we are going to spend the rest of our natural lives with the one person whom we believe was created just for us – not simply to fulfill a higher purpose, but to love us all the days of our lives. At least, that’s how it begins. I’ve already been to a number of weddings for friends and family members who have made their choice of partner in life. I’ve also weathered a messy divorce and have witnessed countless other friends and family members call it quits on the most important decision of their lives.

People seem to be divided on the topic of divorce. There’s the religious perspective, which sometimes treats divorce as a taboo, or in some cases perhaps a sin. Then there is the societal view of divorce, where we have celebrities changing around their marital status on a monthly basis, seemingly suggesting that divorce is normal and “no big deal”. Regardless of your personal views, it happens a lot, especially in America. Sometimes its because of spousal abuse, and divorce appears to be the only way out. At other times, couples propose divorce over trivial reasons, which have nothing to do with the “biggies” like money or infidelity. Now, I’m not married at this point of my life, and there are no real guarantees. I’m not even sure that I ever will be again, but I realize that everything I say here may be taken with a “you’re one to talk” type attitude, which is really fine, however, I do feel that having an outsider’s perspective can shine a light on a rut that you may have been having in your life if for no other reason than it is possible to be too far in a forest to see the trees.

I’ve known a friend for a number of years who married very late in life to a woman he long considered to be his soul mate – until he was served papers only five months in. For him, this resulted in losing two years of his life to depression and distraction, costing him steady employment, his progress in his degree, a boat load of friendships, and ultimately his peace of mind. When he recalls the ways that she had tried to cut him down during (and after) their marriage, he amazingly is able to do so without a trace of anger. “You have to realize something,” he said to me one day when I asked how he had managed to avoid hating her. “No one wakes up one day and decides that they’re going to hurt you. These things take time. It’s always a little here, or a mistake over there. They’re insidious”. For a number of years, this piece of wisdom has stuck with me. The more experience I gained, the more I realize he’s right. When it comes to affairs of the heart, one is not suddenly struck with the inspiration to turn into a bastard, for lack of a better word. While I’m sure that it’s happened before, divorces by and large don’t happen overnight. Rather, like the breakdown of my friend's marriage, little things pile up over time until one or both partners can no longer stand under its burgeoning weight.

I think that one of the biggest mistakes that we can make about others is that assuming that once we have reached some milestone or plateau, we can breathe a sigh of relief. While it’s true that there is an amazingly beautiful comfort in being able to call someone your own, or to be somebody’s “baby”, we should not treat this as some sort of license to get lazy. If you complimented her complexion when you were dating, have you stopped now? When was the last time you held her hand and kissed her on the cheek?  Does she pour herself into a home-cooked meal for the two of you without so much as a “thank you” of appreciation? Maybe instead of making her file your keys and wallet into the vortex that undoubtedly is her purse, you offer to carry her bag for her so that she can feel unburdened when the two of you are shopping. All of these things may seem ridiculously small and common sense, but remember, what reason is there really to stop being a gentleman to your wife? What reason is there to ever stop being polite? This woman, the one who wears your ring, this is the woman whom you chose out of the billions and billions of people who occupy this planet. One day, you got down on bended knee and told this woman that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her (not to look pretty next to you or to give you a built-in buddy to drag to sporting events, but to hold on to your hand through the valleys of shadows and death). You once told her that no matter what life throws your way, you couldn’t imagine facing any of it without her by your side. This is the woman who has birthed your children, or perhaps the woman you have entrusted the musings of your future children to. If you were to die in some freak accident, this is the one gal in the world that you trust in your heart to raise those precious little tykes best. If ever she could not walk, you would carry her? If someone were to hurt her, you would protect her at your own detriment? If tears were to fall from her eyes, you would act like a goof and stand on your head if you knew she would crack a smile?  Why?  This is the woman you love, right?  In your heart of hearts, you really don’t want to see her hurt.

Life is stressful, and I get irritated when I hear people making excuses like, “I’m just unemployed, I’ll be better when I get a job” or “I would be a lot happier if I had more money and less debt”. Hell, wouldn’t we all? The point though (which is something that I myself struggle to keep into perspective), is that while it might be the job today, it will be the kids tomorrow, and it will be your mother’s failing health the day after that, and your car won’t start the day after that. It’s always something. This is why regardless of our circumstances, we must always strive to be sweet to one another. If we aren’t committed to keeping our manners when things aren’t going our way (which they’re not always going to go your way in a marriage), then what prevents us from using every situation in our lives as one long string of excuses to be mean?

This is why I am an advocate of the small, simple things – like compliments, gestures, sweet-nothings, winks, kisses, and hand holding. As a child, I saw my parents do these things for one another. Because of this, my childhood memories are filled with what I saw, but unfortunately I couldn't do it as an adult. Now that I'm older, I’m beginning to see much of the opposite in the marriages of some of my peers: “Where did you learn how to drive?” or “I hate your mother” or “Do you really think that you need that piece of cake?” It’s much more difficult to hurt the feelings of others when we stay committed to the idea of fostering sweet emotions towards them. Now, I’m not saying that you should vacillate to the other side of the spectrum and decide that you’re going to let your partner use you like a doormat for fear of ever causing them offense. What I am saying is that if you really don’t want your wife to sit alone in the bathroom while you’re at work and cry in front of the mirror wondering why you’ve fallen out of love with her, take the tiny moments within each day to give her your attention. As a man, you cannot measure what a few seconds of affection mean to a woman. Use your words and your actions as things you never want her to forget, instead of things that you wish she would forget.

Here’s a tip, if you want your woman to look as radiant as she did on the day you were married, you don’t need to take out stock in Jimmy Choo, Michael Kors and Kate Spade. She wasn’t glowing because of some expensive pair of pumps and matching handbag (well, at least not in front of you). She was glowing because she couldn’t believe she was getting the chance to watch the rest of her days unfold with the man of her dreams. Preserve her beauty with kindness, and give her today as a gift. Some observations from a divorced man, that's all...

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The Power in Saying NO

No may be a short word but it is a powerful word. It is the Napoleon of words, short and stocky and always looking for new territories to conquer. Unfortunately, it is a word that is rarely used by “nice” people. Too bad! It is “nice” people who need it the most. Are you a nice person? I confess that I am. Whenever someone asks me to do something the word yes is out of my mouth before I have time to think. I say yes to anything, and with enthusiasm no less. I get lots of requests. Let’s go skiing. Let’s raise money for a needy person. Let’s do a workshop together. Let’s move the fridge up three flights of stairs. Let’s, let’s, and let’s is always followed by a yes, yes, and yes! 

Why does yes spew out of my mouth so quickly? I think part of it is our culture. We are a people who help out. If you need help, just ask. Who knows, I may need your help. So we say yes and build up help credits. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It becomes problematic when our yes starts to negatively affect our health and mental well-being. Feelings of guilt and resentment as well as physical exhaustion are signs that you are a victim of “yes-itis”. A yes too many times can lead to one big no as your mind and body try to reject this disease. “Yes-itis” is a swelling in the part of the brain that wants to be liked at all costs. Almost everyone has yes-itis. Some people are aware of it and others are not. Either way, it ends up leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. 

What is a nice person to do? The first step is to see the power and usefulness of saying “no”. A no can stop a tank. Remember that fellow in Beijing who stood in front of a tank, put his hand out and said “no, you will not cross this point?” That’s power. A no can save lives as well. A well placed and loud no can stop a child from running out into the street. No sets boundaries. It tells others what you are willing to do and what you are not. A no can be used anywhere and with anyone. It can even be used when you are all alone. Screaming NO at the top of your lungs is an experience everyone should try at least once before they die. Personally, I would love to do it when other people are around, just to shock them. Can you imagine? Maybe that’s where we need to start. By imagining with whom or where you need to say no. No, I will not leave a tip when I get bad service. No, I will not kiss you when I am angry. No mother, I will not run errands for you until I have taken care of my family first and then only if I have time. Imagine the scenario, then say no out loud to get used to this incisive word. Do you say no softly, or loud and with authority? Play with the word.  Elongate the vowel – nooooo. Sing it, shout it and snarl it. Sound like you mean it.

Another way to deal with all those requests is to learn the power of delaying an answer. This is a valid interim step until you feel confident of saying an outright and unequivocal no. When someone asks you to do something, pause, take a breath, and say, “Oh, I would love to do that but I will need to think about it (or consult my calendar, talk to my wife/husband, consult my astrologer). Can I get back to you in an hour/day/week etc.?” This action will give you time to think if you want to do the task, if you have time, and if it works in with other plans and people in your life. It also gives you time to build up the courage to say no by knowing what you really want and being honest. Don’t worry, you won’t say no to everything. That is just your fear trying to get the best of you. Deep down, you are a nice person and it would be almost impossible for you to forget how to say yes. And remember, it is always easier to change a no to a yes than a yes to a no…

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