How Your Love Life Is Affected Being An Optimist or A Pessimist

Welcome to the age of endless options and unlimited swipes. We are all well aware that our generation’s way of dating is unique. We communicate through screens, easily hide our true feelings, and participate in a series of never-ending games. More so, we have pre-concieved mindsets on love and dating. While some of us are eager to connect, the rest of us would rather commit to all 11 seasons of “Grey's Anatomy” before settling down with one person. Despite our personal habits and preferences, there’s one question that still remains. How heavily do our attitudes affect our potential to have a relationship?

Typically, there are two different groups we land in: the optimists and the pessimists. Optimists and pessimists usually create a divide within our society. A pessimist by definition, believes the evil or hardships in life outweigh the good or luxuries. On the other end of the spectrum, we define an optimist as one who tends to look on the more favorable side of events and expects the most desirable outcome. While the pessimists are constantly anticipating the worst, optimists are only envisioning the best. Of course, someone can be optimistic about work, and at the same time be extremely pessimistic when it comes to love. Although most studies show optimism has its health benefits, the let-down is far easier with some good ol’ pessimistic thinking.

So what if an optimist falls for a pessimist, or vice versa? For the vast majority who are stuck in their ways, many might view dating his or her opposite as a force not to be reckoned with. After all, changing somebody else’s attitude is even harder (if not damn near impossible) than changing your own. In a perfect world, we would all be realists. But perfect is hardly a word we use to describe our world, especially when it comes to commitment and relationships. So which side do we pick? Which mindset is the “right” one when it comes to playing the dating game?

Optimists - Optimists are motivated by their dreams and enjoy making big things happen. They are the ones in the pilot seats, and when it comes to dating, they are the ones who go for it. They operate on blind ambition and a hell of a lot of hope. While this may sound negative, these qualities translate to confidence in the dating world, which brings me to my next point: Confidence is hot, and pretty much always works in your favor. Optimists know what they want and they don’t keep their hearts locked in cages. They’re go-getters who only want the real thing and are never afraid to try. Plus, one of the oldest adages in the book says, “you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take” (thank you, Wayne Gretzky). The optimists might experience a wider range of emotions and get hurt more often, but at least they have faith. As long as they don’t get lost in their own version of reality, they are pretty good at getting knocked down and getting back up again.  

Pessimists - In the dating world, a pessimist doesn’t like to waste their time wondering if the person they are seeing likes him or her. They aren’t plucking daisies reciting “he loves me, he loves me not” while walking down the street. They have already decided, all men are dogs and all women are crazy. They would most likely rather have pizza than deal with real feelings. Pessimists impose purposeful ignorance and are particularly good at fooling themselves. Often, they protect their hearts and keep their guards up because there is no such thing as love, and the odds say that most relationships fail anyway, right? A true pessimist does not understand why anyone would want to put him or herself out there because “caring” only leads to stress and over analyzing. Even worse, you become invested in something that hasn’t even begun. C’mon now, who would willingly want to put themselves out there and risk the unbearable, unendurable, unsupportable and never-ending feeling called heartbreak? In their minds, it’s much easier to close themselves off and go along with the “corrupt” hook-up culture. They give up and keep their options readily available. Truthfully, there is no “right” mindset. But whichever side of the spectrum you see yourself on, it’s a good idea to take some advice from the other. By having yin and yang qualities within, your love life will withhold a healthy and balanced outlook.

The Bottom Line - Optimists: Guard your hearts a little better, or you’ll end up with quite a mess. Not everyone deserves a piece of it, so treat it like a prize. Think of it like the Stanley Cup (go Blackhawks!) or a limited-edition Birkin bag. Pessimists: Let your feelings out of their cages every once in a while. Stop being chicken and give them a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised... 

relationshiplessons.net 

Marriage Advice From The Divorced Guy

Ah love, what a friend you are for the right people. Two of my friends who I remember letting me in on the fact that they were seeing each other, who invited me to a surprise proposal party, who I've seen grow into this mature and well seasoned ball of blended family love, got married over the weekend. Sitting there watching them get hitched for a brief moment, made me think about what marital wisdom I could share with them, and all of you too. I know some of you out there are about to get married, which is absolutely great, congratulations. I've been married before (a few times honestly) and I may not really be all that qualified to give you marriage advice, but people who turn up their nose on your story and look for qualifications instead of truth will keep you silent if you let them. In light of the happy occasion, here are a few things for the new groom and all the grooms to be that I’ve learned during my marital time. Some of these are things I’m still working on in the season I'm in. Some of them are things I might still be working on for the next few decades, but they’re all things that A) I didn’t think much about while single and B) became more crucial after saying "I do" and jumping the broom.

Things you think won’t bother you or things that have never bothered you, will bother you. It’s up to you to learn how to deal with them. I have a couple friends who up until a couple years ago, had one of the best homes of anyone I knew. It was spacious and open with hardwood floors throughout. A three-level townhouse with two bedrooms and two baths and in a prime location. It was basically perfect for them, but they were also renting. While hanging out one day, I asked one of them if they ever considered buying the place. They replied quickly “No” and then proceeded to give a long list of reasons why they wouldn’t (the kitchen was substandard, there were some issues with the plumbing, etc). The home was perfect for them then because they were renting. It wasn’t a permanent situation, but once the idea of permanence came into the picture, a few of the flaws became a bit more apparent. Marriage can have a similar effect on relationships. Minor irritations you overlooked when a woman you were dating possessed them can become less minor when you make a commitment to be with someone forever. And trust me when I tell you that some little things you do that other seasonal girlfriends and cutty-buddies ignored or laughed away will irritate her too. Mainly because she has to live with you and deal with you every day. How you deal with these permanence-related realizations will help determine the temperature of your relationship. 

Remember there was a time not too long ago when she was just some chick you wanted to get to know. Now obviously, your soon-to-be-wife isn’t just “some chick.” She might be an astronaut, or an assistant principal, or a Subway sandwich artist, but there was a point in your past when you didn’t know her yet. You weren’t dating, you weren’t in a relationship, and you might have not even known her name. But you saw her somewhere and thought “Damn! I don’t know what that astronaut chick’s name is, but I want to get to know her!” My point? It can be easy to fall into a pattern of treating each other like roommates. People who live, eat, and occasionally watch Netflix together, instead of two people who were at one time, completely infatuated with and in lust with each other. It’s not possible to keep that type of spark going 24/7, but remember it on those lazy Sundays when you’re both sitting in bed, playing with your phones. And those mundane Wednesdays when you’ve both worked an 11 hour day and barely acknowledge each other at home. Remember that this is her; this is the woman you fantasized about. This is the woman you wouldn’t stop telling your boys about. This is the woman who made you heart jump the first time she talked to you. Now she’s sitting on your couch. Being married doesn’t mean you stop kissing the back of her neck, the slight rubs on the small of her back when she walks by, or all the things you fantasized about doing before you were able to do them. 

Learn how to fight It’s inevitable. Regardless of how mild-mannered you think you are and pride yourself on being, if you’re spending the rest of your life with another adult human person, you’re going to have some disagreements. Some of these disagreements will be resolved quickly, and some will not. Some of those disagreements will turn into actual fights. How am I so sure this will happen to you? Well, you know who is a mild-mannered person who prides themselves on their ability to stay even keel and keep their cool? Me. You know who else is? My ex wife LaShaun. If fights could happen to us, fights can happen to anyone. In this context, “learning how to fight” doesn’t mean “learning how to win fights.” It means “learning how to have a heated argument with the person you’re in love with.” This means some of the insults, put downs, and other tricks you might have used in fights before are no longer necessary. Yeah you’re upset, but this is a person you love. This is your wife! You don’t want to hurt her or do any irreversible damage to the relationship, so learn how to be mad without allowing that bout of anger to damage your marriage.

Get a room. It can be a spare bedroom, an office, a garage, a basement, a basement bathroom, hell it could even be a walk-in closet. Whatever it is, you need an easily accessible space where you can just go and do things by yourself for a little while. You will need the room because the rest of the home, even if its a house you bought yourself before you got married, will be hers (trust me). It’s paramount for your sanity, and hers as well, for you to have a space that’s “yours”. What you do in that space is your decision. You can do push-ups. You can watch the game (or several games if you need to). You can teach yourself how to do the Casper and Turbo Slide. Whatever. You just need that space. And she needs for you to have that space.

Like I said, marital advice from someone who has been there. What you do with it can either help you now or make you wish you took it and put it to practice sooner. Congrats to my friends Stephen and Ketaschi, and to all of you who will venture down this road as well...

relationshiplessons.net

Five Ways to Know They ARE The One

The relationship that you choose to be in will be the single most important decision you ever make in your life. It will affect your health, your finances, and your emotional well-being more than almost any other decision you will make. So why do some people rush into it so haphazardly. while others take forever to commit? Do yourself a favor, and take five minutes out of your life to read the tips below. With a little bit of self-reflection, you will see that the choice is clear; either the one you are seeing right now is amazing for you, or they aren’t. Here are five ways to help you figure out if they are the right one for you.

1. It’s Easy - I have talked to numerous couples that have been married for anywhere from 15 to 50 years, and they have all had one common denominator: it was easy. They didn’t have multiple breakups, or plate-throwing fights, or countless instances of infidelity to muddle through. They met. They liked each other. They started dating. It was easy. They got married, and then they stayed married because they liked each other. There were no major road bumps that caused them to doubt why they were trying to force the relationship to work. In the right relationship, you’ll realize that it takes effort, but it doesn’t take work.

2. The Important Stuff Is The Same - Do your core values align with each other? Do you both agree on whether or not you want kids? What does an ideal night look like to each of you? How frequently do you each exercise? If you don’t know yourself and if you don’t know what values are truly important to you, you might find it difficult to determine whether or not he or she is the right one for you. If you find yourself searching for a partner to complete you, you might need to do some searching internally first. If the big things match up, the little things fall by the wayside.

3. Your Closest Friends Like Them - Your closest friends and family members aren’t you, but they have a pretty good idea of who you are. In fact, recent research suggests that those closest to you actually know you better than you know yourself. So if the people who have your best interests at heart don’t get along with your significant other, it could be a warning sign. Have the patience and willingness to truly listen to the opinion of your friends on your relationship.

4. It’s Almost Scary How Much You Turn Each Other On - You don’t want to hide them from your friends, you want to show them off. You don’t have a passive-aggressive headache when they are in the mood. You find each other so arousing that you are distracted you from your work. You will want to devour him. You’ll want to know her thoughts, her feelings, and all about her preferences. You will adore her cellulite, his eye wrinkles, and the way she snorts when she laughs her hardest. You are attracted to his body, her mind, each others heart and soul. And you’ll think you didn’t have a sex drive before you met them.

5. You Want To Make Life As Easy As Possible - People are problem solvers, it’s how we see everything, and the way you view each other is no different. You don’t just want to show each other the simple solutions, you will want to help your partner live the happiest and most uncomplicated life possible. His jacket will be flying off his shoulders before she even hints that she is cold. She will hear all about his day even if she knows exactly how to ‘fix’ it. He will catch her before she falls. If you have an unrelenting desire to help make his life as pleasurable as possible, take that hint: you really care about this one.

How To Really Know If They Are The Right One For You? No one is perfect. There will always be what some refer to as the ‘price of admission‘ in any relationship, those tiny things that can be cute but are usually frustrating. She doesn’t put away the bread after taking a slice. He never remembers to hang up his wet towels. She snores after a night of drinking red wine. But, when the big things are in place, that ‘price of admission’ is ridiculously worth it. The right partner will inspire you to grow, step up, and become the best you there ever was.

And you’ll want to fight to keep them. Not that you’ll ever need to...

relationshiplessons.net

My Ted Mosby Life as a Hopeless Romantic

From 2005 to 2014, I lived my life watching a television show called "How I Met Your Mother". Every Monday night I watched identifying with one particular character, and as time went on, I began to see myself in him and could very well identify with his method of operation. Today's blog is a dedication to all the Ted Mosby’s of the world. Those of you who are like me and love fiercely, live passionately and refuse to give up on love, no matter how beaten and broken it leaves you. This is for the dream weavers, truth seekers and love makers of the world. We’re probably the single one among our group of friends for the most part, and it just doesn’t make sense to us or anyone else. We’re a total catch: We’re ambitious, passionate, intelligent, witty and not at all bad looking. We’re independent and we know ourselves extremely well, but love just doesn’t seem to happen for us as it happens for others. When things don’t work out, it often leads us to wonder; Was I annoying? Did I come off too clingy or obsessive? Was I too emotional? Was I intimidating? Was I too nice? The very fact that we are even asking ourselves these questions leaves us feeling convinced that it may very well be true.

We’re the type of people who gives ourselves completely; we wear our heart on our sleeves. We’re the one who grew up believing in fairytale romances and quickly became disillusioned, but we never give up. Our friends often tell us not to get too attached too soon or to stay guarded because we’ll only get your heart broken, but we do it anyway because it’s just in our nature. We are an advocate for love and believe in giving all we can in the name of love.

The truth is, our heart does get broken repeatedly. Friends sometimes feel sorry for us because they know we have a big heart and people take advantage of it. They are there to support us, but also host interventions when they’ve had enough of our recklessness. They hate seeing us get hurt, however we’re okay with it because no matter how many times we fall, we know how to get back up. We remain open to possibilities and just want to enjoy the company of another human being. Connection is essential to our life, and where it may lead could be a masterpiece. We know that our relentless pursuit of love and happiness can be detrimental to our soul, but we take your chances anyway because of the gamblers we are.

People tend to think of us as unlucky in love, but we see it in a different light. What may appear to others as a bad choice, we see as an opportunity for love. Even when a relationship leaves us feeling like a train just hit us, we have no regrets. It leaves us with an enriching experience and we learned lessons about ourselves and life. It has made us all the more abundant. Our optimism is what gets us back up each and every time to do it all over again. At first, it was with a bit of resistance, but we have faith that one day, we will find the woman or man with the yellow umbrella, and the only way we will get there is by trying. We don’t make being in a relationship the priority of your life because we realize the importance of our dreams.

Just as Mosby was passionate about architecture, we are passionate about what we do. We live in love with every aspect of our lives. We live with your arms wide open. We also have a gypsy heart, the kind that has a desire to flee because we are all about developing and reinventing ourselves. Like Ted Mosby, we’re also the kind who would give it all up in a heartbeat if it meant being with the one we love, and we wouldn’t even think twice. It’s not because we don’t love ourselves enough, it’s because of the realization that dreams are only made more special when they can be shared with someone else.

Eventually we learn to stop settling for less, and open our hearts to the one who will reciprocate. We just had to hit a few roadblocks to get there, and that’s what makes the journey even more beautiful. Our lives are not filled with “the one”, but many ones who would open our heart so big, we could only give more. When we find that special one, we'll know just how lucky he or she is to have found us. We have so much love to give, and the right person for us is the one who will give it all back in return. Don’t fret, that special someone could be right around the corner. We just have to keep having that faith, and keep our eyes open for that yellow umbrella... 

relationshiplessons.net

Six Things A Woman Needs From Men

Men and women are at an emotional stalemate. We feel something’s lacking in our relationships. Women aren’t opening up because men aren’t giving them what they need. Women feel disappointed and resentful; they are suffering. When women suffer, and they feel like they aren’t being seen, they close off to their men. Fortunately, you can give your partner what she needs, allowing her to feel seen so that she will open up again. Take the time to read through these needs and let them sink in. Understanding what you can do to help your partner fully open up will not only improve your relationship, but it will improve your entire life. Gentlemen, here are the six things that all women need from us.

1. To Feel Loved - When women feel loved, they relax and open to us. The arguments dissipate, the sex is abundant, and their nurturing feminine energy flows throughout our lives. Not feeling loved is the subtext of every argument that you and your partner have. If she is unhappy that you are going out with your friends, or she’s upset about her day at work, or she is only responding to you with brief snippets of sentences, then the cause is most likely her not feeling loved enough. Learn to see through her words, actions and moods, and see what the real root of it is.

2. To Feel Safe - There is a war being waged on women’s self-esteem, sexuality and safety from a very young age. Because of the barrage of disempowering messages being sent to women regarding their sexuality, women need to have a safe space where they feel that they can trust their partners. She wants to trust your strength. She wants to feel like you can handle whatever she shows you. She wants to feel like you will not judge her if she asks for something risqué. She wants to know you won’t collapse in defeat if she tells you to do it “this way” instead. By creating a safe space for your woman to open up to you emotionally and sexually, you will be giving her a very powerful gift and you will allow her to grow within your relationship and undo old emotional damage.

3. To Feel Seen - Women want to feel seen. She wants to feel you hearing her, and being aware of her emotional state. She doesn’t necessarily want you to be affected by her emotional state, but she does want you to be witness to it. If she is sitting across the room from you and you aren’t picking up on the fact that she is suffering emotionally and on the verge of tears, she will begin to trust you less. She will think, “if he can’t see that I am hurting now, how long will it take him to figure it out? Will I be suffering for days or weeks before he is aware of it or cares enough to help me through this? I guess I have to rely on myself for my own emotional support.” Life can seem extremely lonely, even within a relationship. You have to constantly show your partner that at least one person will be witness to her and her journey through life.

4. To Be Allowed To Be Nurturing - Just as masculine energy has the need to protect, feminine energy has the desire to nurture. Women want to see the cracks in our armour. They want to see that we trust them enough to open up to them. They want to be able to help us through our sadness. An integrated, evolved man who has a balanced masculine energy as well as his own sliver of feminine would welcome his woman’s nurturing. If you are a guy reading this, have you ever held open a door for a woman because it’s the polite thing to do and she chews your ear off for it? “Oh what? I can’t open the door for myself because I’m a woman?! You sexist pig!” That is an example of a wounded, unbalanced woman who doesn’t want to accept help from a masculine source. This is exactly how it feels to your partner when you push her away when you feel the most vulnerable. “I don’t need to lay my head down on your chest and tell you about my feelings because I don’t have any!” That is a lie. It’s a lie that serves your purpose of not letting your partner in. This lack of vulnerability and authenticity is what is making you and your partner suffer. Let her in, she wants to love you.

5. To Be Appreciated - The feminine in all people responds primarily to praise and appreciation. Remind your partner that you love her. Tell her that you appreciate what she brings to your life. Show her how much she means to you. The fastest way to run your relationship into the ground is by ignoring your partner and taking her for granted. Appreciation is the opposite of those things. Appreciation is the embodying this mindset: “I am aware of what you bring to my life, and I want you to be sure that I am aware of it as well.” So tell her what you appreciate, and tell her often.

6. To Feel Like She Can Count On You- Life gets pretty messy sometimes. When life’s unavoidable difficulties arise, do you fall apart under pressure or are you able to bend and not break? Women want to know that we can handle ourselves when life happens. They want to know that we won’t run and hide when they get a bit ‘too emotional’ for our liking. They want to know that they can count on us. When you tell your partner you’ll do something, and then you don’t do it, it hurts her. She loses a piece of trust in you that has to be earned back. Even seemingly small things break that trust like you saying that you will wash the dishes shortly after dinner, but washing them the next morning instead. When enough small transgressions like this are sprinkled throughout your relationship, she will distrust you. Do what you say you will do, be who you say you are, and be consistent in your actions.

What Do Women Want In A Relationship? Women want partners that care. Women don’t want perfect partners; they want men who are striving to be their best selves. She doesn’t necessarily want someone who has every step of his life pre-planned, but she wants someone with drive and with goals. She doesn’t necessarily want someone who cries every day, but she does want someone who has the courage to cry in front of her when he needs to. She doesn’t necessarily want someone who stays in therapy for his entire life, but she does want someone who has the courage to face his own emotional demons.

So put in the work. End the stalemate. Decide that you want to be in the kind of relationship that most people don’t have, and you want to put in the effort necessary to become that kind of man. The women of the world are waiting for us. And they want us to step up just as badly as we want them to open up...

relationshiplessons.net

Ten Lessons in My Relationship Survey

This week, I asked a simple question on my Facebook page regarding the ideal love life. I asked men and women (single, committed, engaged, married, divorced or widowed to complete a sentence for me. The sentence was “If I were to take full responsibility in my love life…”. Their answers were inspiring, beautiful, heart-warming, and sometimes hilarious. I asked, what would you do differently in your relationship (past or present) if you had the chance? What would you admit was your fault if you were wrong? What you do more of if you were right? I was surprised by some of the consistent things that kept popping up from both sexes and YES, men participated in this as well. The following are ten of the themes that popped up the most from the 108 responses I received in 24 hours.

1. “… I would tell them how much I love them, and how much I appreciate them, a lot more often.” By far one of the most consistent themes from the responses was about being more proactive in expressing how much they loved and appreciated their partner. Whether it was telling them they loved them, praising their character, or sending them an appreciative text message, many of the responders were well aware that a little more praise would go a long way in making their significant other feel significant.

2. “… I would be more loving towards my partner / spouse / significant other and give them more of what I knew they needed.” Many others expressed that they knew what it was that made their partner feel loved, but they were also aware that they hadn’t been making enough of an effort to meet those needs. Whether their partner needed more cuddling, head-scratching, back rubs, verbal praise, or ample time to connect through conversation, many responders felt like they were giving their partner a sub-par performance when it came to meeting their needs.

3. “… I would initiate sex more often. I want to, I know I would enjoy myself, and I know that they would feel more desired because of it.” Whether childhood shame surrounding sex, low libido, or just a fear of putting themselves out there was to blame, many people expressed remorse around how often they felt like having sex, but didn’t feel comfortable enough putting themselves out there and telling their partner what they wanted.

4. “… I would bring up the things in our past that I still feel hurt about.” Many people mentioned how they still felt hurt about things that had transpired during their relationship that they either never brought up in the moment, or never brought up at any point. Maybe their partner hurt their trust years ago and it was never fully resolved. Maybe they said something a few weeks ago that was somewhat hurtful and it’s still lingering in their minds. Maybe they feel like their partner has slowly been emotionally shutting them off, and they don’t know the cause behind it. Whatever the specifics, many people mentioned a desire to be more proactive in cleaning the space between them and their partner in order to feel safer and more connected.

5. “… I would acknowledge that I’m waiting for a partner to complete me when, in reality, I need to complete myself.” Numerous responders who are currently single wrote in that they wanted to be more motivated to become the kind of person they knew they wanted to become, in order to attract their dream partner. While it is absolutely normal and healthy to have preferences when it comes to your romantic partner, if you’re looking for certain non-negotiable character traits in your significant other, you might want to try becoming those traits first.

6. “… I would make it a priority to put dates, connection time, and my relationship into my calendar more often.” The majority of my self-employed/entrepreneurial readers who responded to my question expressed an interest in prioritizing their significant other over their work more often. What is the easiest way to prioritize your relationship? Put them on the calendar more often. It may seem impersonal, but making an investment into your relationship a non-negotiable habit will only benefit you and your partner. Let them see that you hold them in as much high regard as the business you're trying to maintain.

7. “… I would quit hanging out with people that drain me in order to be a happier person.” This one surprised me more than most on this list, especially because it showed up in almost 40% of responders answers (which is fairly dense from a sample size of one hundred people). This point comes down to boundaries. People want to say “No” to things that they aren’t saying no to, and they are aware of the effect that it has on their daily levels of happiness. The person with the pleasant demeanor, or the one who is "as sweet as pie", usually compromises first just to keep the peace. What it does in the long run is moves you off your square more often than not, which leads to unhappiness, and unhappy people don’t make for good romantic partners. This leads me to the next point...

8. “… I would have realized when enough was enough, and gotten myself out sooner." Almost every person who had a story of what they thought was love, only to find out it was abusive, negative, controlling or just a bad match, didn't see or completely ignored the signs until it was too late. This comes down to lowering the standard you set early on in the relationship. I've said it before, everyone you meet at first is "the representative" of who they really are. Every potential partner dots every "i" and crosses every "t" and throws every skeleton as far into the closet  in order to be the person they want you to see at first to draw you to them. It's always a matter of time after you're drawn in, that the true person without the "dotted i or the crossed t" will come out. Remember, everyone loved the work and the mind of Dr. Jekyll, until Mr. Hyde showed up.    

9. “… I would kiss them like I mean it more often. I wouldn’t just go to work in the morning with a quick hug.” This point comes down to presence, and not taking their partner for granted. Many people said something along the lines of “I want to kiss them like I mean it in the mornings. I don’t just want to go through the motions with them. They deserve better than that.” To this I say, AMEN! Three minute hugs, deep connection exercises and real passionate kisses! I just love the taste and smell of intentionality early in the morning (and at all points throughout the day), it wakes you up so much more than coffee.

10. “… I would swallow my pride and look into therapy / couples counseling to work on my blocks to love / having the best relationship possible.” Last but certainly not least, many of my readers mentioned wanting not only to work through their specific roadblocks with their partner (or within themselves) but to do so with someone whose counsel they respected. Clearly this entire piece could fall under the category of ‘self-selection bias’ since I was asking a group of people who already read a lot of my relationship advice, but it was still good to hear that the ego/resistance was on their radar.

In every relationship, there will be joys and regrets, but it seems as if my sample survey really represents relationships as a whole. If you see yourself in this survey, I hope what you've read can help you...

relationshiplessons.net

Five Ways To Know They're NOT The One

You’ve fallen hard, fast, and deep. This time for someone who truly adores you, appreciates you, and thinks you’re the greatest. “Where has she been all this time, all this wasted time?” you ask yourself. “Who cares!” you answer. “I’ve found her now, and she’s mine!”

Ordinarily, a person’s excitement, enthusiasm, contentment, and delight are solid signs that you’ve found a good match, someone you can be happy with and build a life with over the long term. Unfortunately, the line between genuine excitement and euphoria (that crazy, over-the-moon feeling) is thin, and there is a reason why ecstasy is the name of a drug. You may be singing from the mountain top, but if you’re high on your partner, or rather high on your partner’s addictive behavior, you’re actually in need of an intervention. You won’t see any of this because you’ll only see that you’ve found the one. Did you hear me, I said “THE ONE”. And you’ll be too busy thanking your lucky stars to notice the black hole you’re about to fall into.

If your partner exhibits all or most of the behaviors below, chances are good that you’re being played by a charming narcissist or otherwise psychologically unstable person. So watch out for these five signs, especially if they’re grouped together. While I’ve written this for men seeking female partners, it applies regardless of gender.

1. She worships you. I don’t mean she digs you and thinks you’re terrific, I mean she thinks you walk on water. You’re perfect and can do no wrong. You know you’re far from it, but it feels good to be put on a pedestal, doesn’t it? You start to believe nothing on you can stink, until you and your feet come crashing to the ground. If she’s holding you up as a God-like human, you’re being set up to take a fall. Partners who start out worshiping, often turn in a vicious 180-degree shift that leaves you cut off at the knees. Learn to distinguish genuine admiration for your good qualities, and your actual accomplishments which is always based on reality. A healthy partner will find fault with you where there’s fault to be found, and she’ll call you on your crap.

2. She always wants to be alone with you. So why is this a problem? She loves you, she wants to be with you, and she wants to do stuff with you that lovers do in private. That’s all well and good and sexy, but if her need to be with you competes with and isolates you from family and friends, if she insists that she’s all you need and vice versa, and if your efforts to maintain friendly ties and your social life are met with jealousy, you’re dealing with an impeding disaster. A healthy relationship has room for other relationships that you consider important. If you’re hearing the words “I can’t live without you”, and experiencing the guilt they induce, remember that this person lived their whole life before she met you and survived just fine. A cage is a cage, even if the view is stunning and the bars are made of gold.

3. She wants the exact same future you do. You want the same style house, the same number of kids, the same names for your kids, the same pets with the same names, and it’s only your first date. You’ve barely gotten to know each other, and you’ve already moved in together in your heads. The thing is, she’s so convinced and convincing that you’re the one for her, that she’s making you feel certain that she’s the one for you. This phenomenon is called mirroring, where you’re made to feel immediately and intimately connected because you have so much in common and share the same hopes and dreams. She likes everything you like, which means you like everything she likes, which means you’re perfect for each other, which means you need to slow down. First of all, you don’t want to date or marry yourself. You’ll never learn anything and you’ll never grow through challenges. Second, she’s your long lost twin but someone who’s molding herself to what would make you more attracted. When the glue comes undone, you’ll find out what she really likes, which most likely includes manipulating you.

4. You’ll do anything for her. When you’re in love, you’ll go all out, pushing your limits and stretching your resources to invest in the relationship. If however, you’re falling all over yourself, trampling your own boundaries and blowing through your bank account, it’s not a sign she’s the love of your life. It’s a warning that you’re willing to sacrifice your emotional health, your financial well-being, and even your self-esteem to be with this person. This happens because you believe she’s THE ONE, the only one, and you’re desperately afraid of screwing up and losing her. The truth is, the one for you is one who encourages a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and understanding. The one for you would not soak up your self sacrifice, but see it as a red flag and tag you as a people pleaser. So yes, you’ll do anything, but always within reason.

5. The sex is mind-blowing and all about your needs. Okay, if you met someone like that, you’d say that you would be a fool to let her go. You’d be a fool all right, a fool to believe that one way sex is long-term sustainable. Like the worship and the mirroring, all-about-your-pleasure sex, often combined with heaps of praise for your attractiveness (whether you’re hot or not), is the flypaper that gets you to stick and keeps you stuck by keeping a part of you stuck in a particular place. An emotionally healthy partner makes her sexual needs and preferences known and expects you to be an equal partner in the bedroom. One-way sex may be intensely enjoyable, but it’s not intimate in the way that two people coming together to give each other mutual pleasure is intimate. I know, it hurts to walk away, but trust me, it will hurt more to stay because the moment you displease her, all that mind-blowing sex will be withheld.

Love can feel giddy and unreal. But life is real and grounded. Relationships are real and messy and not always happy and never perfect

• You want respect, not worship.
• You want to be in the world, not just their world.
• You want a future, not a fantasy.
• You want self-esteem, not self-sacrifice.
• You want intimacy, not service.

You want the one, but not just anyone. You want the one who is right for you. Someone who will support, encourage and challenge you. The right one will grow with you, flow with you, and most of all, keep it real with you too…

relationshiplessons.net

Five Things a Woman Looks For In a Husband

Last time we talked about the Five Things a Man Looks For In a Wife, and I appreciate all of you reading it, but today I will let try to let the fellas know what I believe women hold in high regard when it comes to what they look for in a husband. Now this list of things could go on and on, but I could only post five, so here we go...

 

A belief system - While many grow up practicing denominations that align with Christianity, there are also some who practice other religions or are just raised on the premise of spirituality. Either way, a woman will want a man who shares a similar faith or is faithful to some religion/belief system because it will be the foundation of the family they want to build. It also ensures that the couple is rooted in the same values and morals.

Leadership - Statistically, women pursue college degrees more than their male peers. This may mean women may potentially be more educated or even make more money than their spouse. But what really makes or breaks a relationship will be the ability for the man to respect his wife and to feel empowered to take the lead when appropriate. No matter the distribution of education or wealth in the relationship, his ability to take action and lead will be an asset.

 

Financial stability - Women like for men who have the ability to provide, to be a provider, not the provider. This doesn’t mean buying expensive dinners and gifts, but at the bare minimum a man needs to be able to pay his bills, hold down a job and have a place to live — even if that place is a shared apartment or home. Even more so, if you are in massive debt, you might want to work on your finances before you seriously begin dating.

Family values - Not everyone comes from the home with the white picket fence and married parents. Even if someone comes from a broken home, it doesn’t mean they don’t come from ‘a good family.’ What matters is that the person knows the value of family and those relationships and works to repair them when possible. Resolving any past mother and father issues helps men have successful, respectful marriages and emotionally healthy children of their own.

Romance and displays of love - While you can certainly "learn" romance, it's great to date (and eventually marry) a man who knows how to make a woman feel special. Even if your love languages are different, receiving love in some form is always welcome. Can you take her away for the weekend? Can you capture her attention with stimulating conversation? The ability to do something new and fresh when it comes to romance will inspire a woman to do the same, and ensure things won’t get boring.

Overall, there needs to be a willingness to please your woman. What matters most is that the man is willing to try to please his woman. Effort goes a long way if a man has other strong attributes to make him a good husband. But don't get it twisted, at some point "trying" will eventually have to turn into "accomplishing" in order to be seriously considered husband material...

relationshiplessons.net

Five Things a Man Looks For In a Wife

This weekend, I am hosting a speed dating party, and it got me to thinking about how blurred the lines are between men and women, and what they are looking for from each other. For the next couple of days, I want to try to make the lines a little clearer. Men and women want to be successful in their careers, but ultimately they want to be boo’d up, find each other, eventually get married, have great sex and have beautiful children. So how do you know you’re a Wife-to-Be? If you want to know what men look for in the women they choose, then read this...

Independent, Interdependent, Dependent - Will you self-destruct if he’s not around for a day or two? Is your existence dependent upon him? Equally, do you shun his assistance? Can you take his help or do you want to be the man? Have you been doing for yourself for so long that you’ve forgot how to be taken care of? Answering yes to any of these questions isn’t good. Men want a woman that is balanced, a woman that possesses her own interests, yet wants (rather than needs) her man to be around.

Problem Solving, Handling Adversity, Stepping In - When you’re stressed out, how do you handle it? Do you panic? Do you remain calm? Do you have a breakdown? Men want to understand the load they will have to bear when it comes time to console you. The way you handle stress may impact your partner just as much as it impacts you. No one wants to end up with the worrier.

Forgiveness - No man wants a woman that is hard on forgiveness, yet no man wants a woman that is too forgiving. Men need a balance of backbone and leniency. If you make him pay for a mistake, don’t continue to bring it up; that shows you haven’t truly forgiven him. People make mistakes, but no decent man will stay with a woman that lets him turn mistakes into habits.

Get it, Spend It, Save it - When we first meet you and during the early dating stages, men do their homework and notice your spending habits. They’re trying to figure out if you’re high maintenance, frugal, and/or how much you may cost them in the long run. They are also trying to see if you are fair when it comes to spending habits, for example, “Sometimes I pay, sometimes you pay,” or some other method. A man will not wife a woman with bad spending habits, especially if he doesn’t believe he can foot the bills. Money will ruin any good relationship.

Wit versus Intelligence - You graduated from college with a 3.6 and you were in the top ten percent in your class, so you think you’re hot stuff…nope you’re not. There’s a difference between being intelligent and being witty. Intelligence gets you a job and wittiness gets you a husband. Wit is when you can jokingly tell your boyfriend to get his act together without him feeling attacked. Wit is when you can talk slicker than he can and make him happy rather than just make him smile. Wit is the difference between a nagging girlfriend and a woman you don’t want to disappoint.

Next time, The 5 Things a Woman Looks For in a Husband...

relationshiplessons.net 

What Men Don't Get When It Comes to "It"

Today starts a new day for me as I begin the launch of RelationshipLessons.net. Everything you ever wanted to know about me, my vision and how to get in touch with me a lot faster is all right there on the website. I ask for your patience as I work some of the bugs out, but I'm super excited about what's new to come, and I thank all of you for helping me with my journey...

Have you ever been around a group of single women, and heard them talking about the problems with men? In a morbid fashion, it’s kind of interesting to hear the other side dish out the list of gripes against my gender, but it’s educational. I’ve sat in on a few of these groups, and do you know what the most commonly used line in some variation was? He just doesn’t get it. It applies to nearly any subject, and it can mean almost anything, but that’s the overall feeling when it comes to the complaints I’ve heard concerning men in relation to women. For years I dismissed this as a standard gripe. I’d be hanging around female friends and that line would come up, especially from the single ones, talking about guys trying to date them, or first dates gone bad. “Oh, he’s a nice enough guy, but he just doesn’t get it.” I always wanted to ask, “What the hell is ‘it’, anyway?” And how can a guy “get it”? Then I went to the relationship lab, and finally figured it out.

Ask a man what he’ll do to try and attract someone’s interest, and what would be his most common response? “Take her somewhere fancy/expensive, get her flowers, buy affectionate gifts, pay compliments, do favors, that kind of thing”. The trouble with this mindset is, the main achievement of that action is letting a woman know that YOU are interested, but not in piquing HER interest. That’s a whole lot of what “he just doesn’t get it” means. Let’s face it, no matter where you live; attractive available women are constantly under siege by guys trying to get with them. And nearly all of them will say the same thing about nearly all of the guys vying for their attention: “He just doesn’t get it”.

And, wait for it…this is also why guys who are generally considered pompous arrogant jerks will more often than not, get with these women. It’s not that they are necessarily better looking, or more attractive, but it’s because of how they go about it. Let’s work through an example:

You show up at your date’s door, rose in hand, suitably dressed, with an agenda of a charming evening ahead. You make sure to point out that you like what they’re wearing, tell them they look pretty, and ask her where she’d like to eat. Maybe you’ve done some research beforehand, and you’re going to take them to see a movie they want to see, or a band they like. Sounds like a solid plan, yeah? What could go wrong? Everything. What you’ve just done is an extensive effort in letting her know that you’re interested, but you haven’t done a single thing to give them a path into being interested in you. If you keep this pattern up, you’re paving your way into the ever controversial and non escaping “friend zone”. 

So how do you avoid this? You can’t make a woman like you, any more than you can make the rain fall when and where you want. But you can make the ground ready, plant the seeds, and set the best chance for success. Those guys I talked about before, the pompous arrogant jerks who always seem to get the girl? You want to know what they had going for them? They kept it about them.

How does any good mystery or thriller begin? There’s a shock, or something out of the ordinary. It grabs your attention and you don’t know what to think, but you are curious. You want to see where this is going, but they won’t tell you everything in the beginning. The mystery/thriller keeps the pieces coming at you slowly. Just when you begin to put them together, the whole dynamic will change again leaving you wondering. The really great mystery/thrillers keep the revelations coming until the very end.

Now think about dating in the same way. Fellas, you’ve got to use some intrigue. Your approach can’t just be about them and you acting on her cues. Take some initiative, spread some mystery, talk about yourself but don’t let them know everything on the first date. You don’t sell a book by telling customers how it ends. Give them some room and let them know there’s more to be found out about you. Women like pursuit, but they also like discovering things and figuring other people out. How many dates have you done that for? It goes both ways. Keep it interactive. Be the cat and the mouse. Make it about both of you, and it will pay off in the long run.

One of the biggest problems most guys have in the single life is thinking that the situation is eventually going to change. Women are eventually going to be attracted to the good guys and those pompous arrogant jerks will fade into the background, with nothing but their memories and paychecks to keep them company. Others give up, and some sadly decide to try and become the very ones they hate in an effort to “get it”. You don’t need to be pompous, arrogant or a jerk.

You can be a good guy and still get the girl, and it all starts with knowing how to get it started…

How NOT To Be A Fool In Love

It is a fact that falling in love makes otherwise smart and self-respecting people feel and act ridiculous. Whether it is finding pathetic excuses to call again when he does not call back right away, or scheming to run into her outside her office "by accident," I don't know anyone who has not at least once gone a little bit bonkers for new love.

It is not as if you don't at least suspect when it is happening that you are being an idiot, but that doesn't help you because you tackle your idiocy from the wrong end. You try by the sheer force of will power to purge yourself of your idiotic impulses. This never ever works, which is why despite swearing to yourself and your friends that you are going to play it cool this time, you'll still end up sneaking off for the twentieth time that day to check your messages in the bathroom again. Friend, you need to develop a better approach.

The fact of the matter is, you can't make yourself stop wanting to do dumb things when you've fallen hard for someone any more than you can make yourself stop wanting cheesecake, or a cigarette, or a martini, or anything else that tempts you. Take a moment to let that sink in, because it's really important. I'll wait...

Now, the good news is that you can stop actually doing the things that make you look and feel like an idiot, despite the fact that you really want to do them if you use the right strategy. You can stop the compulsive voicemail and email checking, the constant texting, and the Facebook stalking. You can shut out all those premature thoughts of what your wedding will be like, and what you'll name your children. When you're wondering on your second date if he or she has fallen in love with you yet, you can stop yourself from actually asking them.

The solution begins with embracing the idea that dating is like dieting. Nobody loses weight by deciding they don't want calorie-rich food anymore. You can't talk yourself out of wanting french fries, and if you are solely counting on the sheer force of will power to see you through when you feel tempted, you're going to wind up eating a lot of french fries.

The next step is to do some "if-then" planning. Over a hundred scientific studies on everything from diet and exercise, to curbing spending, to quitting smoking, have shown that deciding in advance how you will handle your impulses will double or triple your chances for success (e.g., "If I am hungry and want a snack, then I will choose a healthier option like fruit or veggies").

The key to a successful plan involves deciding what you will do instead of being the fool. So when you are taken by the desire to try to track him down on Facebook, or to leave the "not sure if you got my last message" message on her voicemail, what more productive and non-creepy behavior will you replace it with?  My mother once giving me some excellent advice about a girlfriend I was obsessing over.  "When you feel like calling her" she said, "then call me." You don't have to call your mother when love messes with your head, but having some sort of plan in place is essential.

"If-then" plans are simple, easy to create, and extraordinarily effective when it comes to resisting temptation, be it edible or otherwise. Just taking a moment to decide in advance how you will handle your less attractive impulses could mean the difference between finding Mr. or Ms. Right, and seriously freaking them out...

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