Voicemail Q & A

On my Relationship Lessons Facebook page, I asked for people to call the RL Voicemail and give me their pressing relationship questions, so I'm addressing a few of them today...

 

 Q: Why do men remember so much about sports, but nothing about what we told them yesterday?

 

A: Our relationship with sports predates our relationship with you by many, many years. I remember exactly where I was when the Cubs lost the 2003 National League Championship Series; I know who I was with and what I did when Michael Jordan made "the shot" in game 5 against the Cleveland Cavaliers in 1989 (I jumped on my friend's back and rode him around my living room). We've been fluent in sports forever, whereas we've only been speaking feelings and to-do lists for a few years. So sometimes we go blank, like the poor student in Spanish class who zones out because he can't follow.

 

Q: Why won't men say they're sorry? "I'm sorry you're upset" doesn't count!

 

A: We're stubborn. Saying sorry is admitting we're wrong and that we take responsibility for whatever is blowing up in our relationship or our life. In fact, there was a time when the wronger I know I was, the less likely I was to say I'm sorry. Chalk it up to the "man of the house" hangover, but many of us still struggle with the idea that our word is no longer the final word. We are a generation of guys who saw that our grandfathers, and in some cases our fathers, never had to apologize to their wives for anything, even when it was obvious to everyone they were wrong. Progress is hard, so um, sorry...

 

Q: Why can't men tolerate hearing anything negative about their mothers?

 

A: Moms are sacred to us because they were the first women in our lives, and they spent most of their youth keeping us fed, healthy, and happy — and many of them sacrificed a lot to do so. Also, most of us put our mothers through hell with worry in our teens and have been trying to make up for it ever since, and your negativity isn't helping. But mostly, no guy wants to hear the woman he loves ripping on the other woman he loves. So leave his mom alone, unless she's egregiously overstepping boundaries and intruding on your life as a couple, and then broach it veeery slowly, and be veeery careful in your choice of words.

 

Q: Why does he put the moves on me, when he can see that I'm in a terrible mood?

 

A: Because sex is like a combination of penicillin and Zoloft for men: It's a cure-all and antidepressant rolled into one. We just assume the same is true for you. Your mom's in the hospital for hip-replacement surgery? Sex will cheer you up. Worried about getting laid off? Getting laid will take your mind off it. Here comes a meteor and the end of the world as we know it? Let's have sex — at least we'll go out with a bang. Your guy isn't being selfish, he really wants to help, and he's suggesting something he thinks will be mutually beneficial. If you are positive a quickie won't boost your mood, let him down easy, or you may wind up with two foul-tempered people.

 

Q: Why does my husband seem to never want sex? I know he isn't having an affair, so could he be having an emotional one?

 

A: This is easily the most common question I get, so you are far from alone. I don't know why your husband doesn't want sex, but there are a million potential reasons. I can't diagnose the problem, but I can say this: Before you tackle the physical issues in your relationship, it sounds like you need to tackle the verbal ones. Instead of asking me what's wrong, ask your husband. More than likely, it will be an uncomfortable and even painful conversation, and you may need to enlist a doctor or counselor. Whatever you do will be worth it, though. Because if you can't have sex with your husband, and you can't have the hard conversations with your husband, what do you actually have with your husband?

If YOU have relationship questions that are in need of a relationship answer, feel free to leave it on the RL voicemail 773-888-2716, also search for Relationship Lessons on Facebook and like us.