Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for another guest blogger relationship confessional. Whenever I receive confessions, they automatically go to the head of the line because of the content shared. She wanted to remain anonymous, so I will respect that and honor her request, but I hope what she has to say will help somebody who might read this...
Earlier in the year, I almost ruined my relationship. I screwed up...badly. I violated my boyfriend’s trust and when he found out (I told him), he was angry. No, I didn’t cheat, but what I did was really hurtful. There are more ways to betray your lover than to just sleep with someone else. There are a thousand ways to ruin a good thing. Anyway, in the midst of our argument I found myself outraged by his anger. He made it clear that he couldn’t trust me and wanted to end our relationship. “You have to forgive me!” I yelled into the phone one night. My voice was strong, and there were no tears. I was certain of my position. “You just have to!” He responded, “Do I??? Why?” And the truth was, I didn’t have an answer.
As a single woman, I’ve spent much of my life making excuses for bad boyfriends. I’ve prided myself on being forgiving and compassionate, but my ability to forgive comes with arrogance and an unspoken acknowledgment that I must be better for my ability to let go of the pain. When asked why my boyfriend should’ve forgiven me, I wanted to say "because I’ve forgiven you, and I forgave all the men that came before you". I wanted to point to the past and point to the future...but in the present, one thing was certain...I messed up. I potentially ruined the foundation that we were working hard to build. I wasn’t the victim, or the person treated poorly. I was on the other side of the conflict. Ladies, men don’t have the monopoly on messing up. Even us women who don’t cheat or act crazy make seemingly small choices that undermine the men we love.
Here are three relationship "mess ups" I’ve been guilty of myself:
- I’ve talked sh*t with my friends: My friends are permanent fixtures in my life. They’ve nursed me through break ups and embarrassing mistakes. They are the foundation on which I’m able to bounce back from heartache and pain. Thus, I often assume that because I trust my friends with personal info, I have a right to trust my friends with my man’s personal info. In doing that, I unknowingly undermine my relationship. The story he told you about his childhood or a seemingly harmless comment about his past has the ability to damage the bonds built in a relationship. It’s evidence that perhaps you can’t be trusted.
- I’ve failed to accept my partner as he is: I recently heard a story about women who are actively planning their weddings before they’ve met their partners. While I’m all about positive thinking, this seems a bit extreme. In my own way, I have been guilty of plugging a man into the role of “boyfriend” without really knowing what that means to him. I am learning to let go of ideas and expectations in an effort to enjoy the person that is in front of me. While it is important to know what you want; it’s equally important to know and enjoy what you have.
- I’ve misinterpreted the facts: I’m guilty of interpreting the facts to suit my own neurosis. Sometimes in my mind, a missed call means infidelity. A perplexed frown means the relationship is doomed. Our misread interpretations can cause tension. They can lead to unwarranted fights and actions that damage bonds. I am learning not to interpret something without checking my facts. I’m learning that I have to trust in order to truly love.
Men or women, we all fall in love. We all get hurt. We all at some point have to stand in the mercy of others. After days of demanding forgiveness from him, I gave up because I knew I was wrong. I stood in the truth that I can hurt the man I love, and I listened while he told me how he felt. When I didn’t protest or try to diminish his pain, I left the room so that he could choose to forgive me. When love is involved, monopolies don’t exist. We’re all human and grasping for a little peace of mind. Remembering that will help us all keep the love we’re cultivating.
Wow! That was a fantastic lesson, and it took a lot of courage for her to come out like that. So ladies and gentlemen, what relationship mess ups can you share? Feel free to comment, and feel free to send in your relationship viewpoint or your confessions for blogging consideration to relationshiplessons2013@gmail.com today!
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1 comment:
Thank you for your candid confession. This is very helpful and honest. For me, I have done most of these things. I do find that I carry my past relationships/hurts into my new relationship and it is unfair to the current boyfriend. I, too, am trying to look at this relationship as "new" and "separate". Unfortunately, we are often defined by our past and often who we are today is, in large part, as a result of our experiences in the past.
I often find myself going directly to the negative with my boyfriend as a defense mechanism. I, like most men and women alike, do not want to be hurt again. This is something that can be very hurtful to the person I am currently dating since, most of the time, he has no ill intentions to his actions. It may even be as simple as the tone of his voice and it triggers something from a past relationship that causes me to be defensive.
I am always a work in progress, trying to improve upon myself. This blog pointed out another area in my life that I should start examining. Thank you again for your honesty.
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