If your Facebook friends list is anywhere near as accurate as your actual friends list, chances are, you know a lot of people in relationships. Some of those relationships are good, but some of them are twisted, bizarre, bent up pieces of metal, soldered together with tears and awkward sex. This blog is about those relationships. I've seen and heard my share of both stories and couples being a relationship coach, so consider this little relationship rant the types of couples you’re probably friends with, whether you like it or not. If the truth be told, at one time or another, you've been one of these couples yourself.
1. The couple who thinks everybody is trying to sleep with them. They constantly have stories about how their neighbor/co-worker/cable guy/bank teller came onto them. Hey guys, just so you know, nobody is trying to have sex with you!
2. The couple who is super openly passive-aggressive with each other. They
snipe at each other constantly, and you’re like, “Why are you two even
together when you obviously hate one another?” The reason? Their sex
life is probably insane.
3. The couple that breaks up once week. These guys aren’t passive-aggressive, they’re aggressive-aggressive and they’re addicted to high-pitched drama.
4. The couple that always accuses each other of cheating. He reads her emails,
she goes through his texts. They are the most insecure idiots you know,
and somehow, like a moth to the flame, they’ve found each other.
5. The couple who is practically having sex on the table at your dinner party. Oh,
these two. Did you forget they’re a couple? How could you, since
they’ve constantly got their tongues shoved in each others orifices.
6. The couple who won’t do anything without the other one. You
invite her for brunch. He shows up with her. Did you want to get drunk
on mimosas and talk about the latest episode of “Dancing With The Stars” with
Greg? Probably not. But there he is.
7. The couple that is completely devoid of PDA, but then you find out they have a crazy good sex life.
Sometimes you wonder what keeps these two together, because their spark
isn’t obvious. And then she lets it slip that they’ve been having
regular marathon bang sessions that leave her in bed all weekend, and
you’re like, “whaaaaat?”
8. The couple which is obviously gunning to be a “power couple.” These
two are drawn to each other because they see the obvious ambition and
social-climbing capabilities of one another. They’re the first couple to
split up and try and take over a room at a party, or try and manipulate the social scene they operate in.
9. The couple that baby talks almost all the time. “You’re my Professor Cuddlekins”. “I love my Katy-Wady”. "I can't live without my Shmoopy Puddin Pop". Come on. Fess up, you’ve done it too.
10. The couple where one is obviously more intelligent/more attractive/way nicer than the other. You
can’t understand why she’s dating him, because he seems so dumb. You
just don’t get what he sees in her. But there they are, happy as
clams, defying evolution and the general laws of the universe.
11. The couple that still lives like they’re in college. How do these two keep at it with the drugs and the partying and the eating pizza 12 times a week?
12. The couple who could both do better, but stay together because they’re afraid. Loneliness
is one hell of a drug, and it’s what keeps these two together,
despite the creeping feeling that they should really just break up.
13. The couple that are best friends, but probably nothing more. The love is there, but the passion is gone.
14. The couple who is really into being a team. They love stuff like trivia nights, softball teams and silly summer faux-lympics because it gives them a chance to show off "how well they work together". These guys usually like throwing dinner parties too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
15. The couple where one person is clearly more invested than the other. He
keeps subtly dropping hints about how he’d like to move across the
country, without his girlfriend. Meanwhile, the girlfriend is picking
out engagement rings.
16. The couple whose every move is documented via their social networking profiles. These two want the entire world to know how much they love each other. All the time. All up on your Facebook wall or in your Twitter feed. Get a room already.
Thanks for letting me rant and get that off my chest. I feel better now...
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