Everyone always has an idea about whether or not they can be friends with an
ex. The truth is, it’s all about what you want and are truly capable of doing. Some
people do need to cut out any and all intimate partners they’ve ever had, while
others are capable of creating amazing friendships with their exes. I believe through the years that I have developed some amazing relationships AFTER the relationships with a few of my exes, and one ex in particular that I am glad to have reconciled with. Here are
a few ways to decide if you can or can’t be friends with your ex:
1. Make Your Own Rules - I hate when people tell me what I can and can’t handle. We are all
completely unique and different, so what may be weird and uncomfortable to
others could be totally fine to you. It may be true for some that they can’t
have any contact with an ex because it will hurt them to do so, it could even
seriously delay the healing process. Others feel they don’t want to
throw away a person they connect just because it didn’t work out
romantically. The truth is, you get to decide for yourself what works for your own well being.
2. Every Situation Is Different - Just like every person is different, so is every situation. You might be
able to be friends with one of your exes, while another ex feels wrong or toxic
to have in your life. I find that the rockier the relationship, the harder
it is to remain friends afterward. If the relationship ended pretty amicably
but you just didn’t work out romantically, it’s usually an easier
adjustment into friendship.
3. Be Honest - This might be the trickiest one. We often tell ourselves that we are fine with something
when we aren’t even remotely close. Try your hardest to be honest with yourself when evaluating
whether or not you can truly be friends with your ex. If it’s just too painful,
you should let the person go for now. Sometimes, he or she will re-enter
your life when you are ready and capable of a real friendship with him or her. It’s
also super important to be honest with your ex. If you tell him or
her you’re over the relationship and you’re not, it could lead to a
lot of pain down the road.
4. Give a Grace Period - It would be really hard to go from being in an intimate relationship with
someone to being “just friends”. There needs to be a transition time when you
both can shift your mindsets from partner to friend. That doesn’t mean you
can’t see your ex at all during that period, but at least know he or
she won’t be a true “friend” until you’ve truly accepted the
fact that you two no longer have a future.
5. Allow Time To Mourn - Whether or not you decide to be friends with your ex, it’s really important
that you give yourself time to mourn the loss of the relationship. Losing a partner or spouse often feels like a death, and it’s important to respect
the grieving process and allow yourself to feel the loss. So, even if the two
of you are still talking, remember that you still need to give yourself the
space to cry and get over it.
6. Be Sensitive - Just because the two of you are no longer an item doesn’t mean you should
immediately act like all those romantic feelings have vanished. Respect
that you are both still mourning and don’t try to hurt the other by pretending
you’re immediately over him or her or by making them jealous. Let
your ex know you still care by not rubbing it in his or her face that
you are moving on.
Like I said at the beginning of the blog, I recently was able to become friends again with a very significant person after some time has passed, and I think following these steps can help you rebuild the bridge that was either burned down or blown up during the breakup. Be ready to put in the work...
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