Sometimes it seems like you’re just one step away from getting someone
attracted to you, and if you just push a little bit harder, the person will
finally start to “get it” and want you back. It’s hard to admit it yourself,
but this feeling is just an illusion. It’s too bad life isn’t more like a
romantic comedy, because unlike in movies, any drastic gestures you try to take
will usually backfire. What’s more, it will usually hurt your self-respect in
the process.
As much as we hate to admit it, we can all relate to the experience of
throwing away our self-respect to chase after someone who’s just not that into
us. I made this mistake over and over, until the light bulb came on and I learned how to focus on the bigger
picture. Instead of scheming and manipulating to get a woman to like me, I
started focusing on the habits that would boost my self-respect instead of
undermining it. I've listed what are some of the most important habits I’ve learned for
dating when you’re single...
1. Be assertive and ask for what you want. There is rarely a downside to being assertive, honest and open. You owe it
to yourself, and to everyone you meet to be upfront about who you are and what
you’re looking for. Assertiveness is like any other skill; it takes practice to
get better. Our generation was never taught this kind of communication skill
growing up, and that’s part of the reason why dating can be so difficult. Guys
who complain about being in the dreaded “friend zone” end up there because
they’re unwilling to be assertive. It’s scary to directly state your
intentions, but it’s also a weak move to befriend a woman under false
pretenses; be direct instead. We all know that women love confidence, and this
habit applies for women as well. Even though social norms say men should be the
initiator in relationships, there are norms from older generations. They just
don’t apply in the modern dating landscape. You can avoid chasing someone who
only has lukewarm feelings for you if you are simply honest from day one.
2. View people in shades of gray. Have you ever jumped into a relationship with someone, only to have it come
crashing down when you begin to realize who it is that you initially fell for? When you
first start to like someone, it’s a natural tendency to subconsciously overlook
flaws. The sparks of attraction make us idealize and put people on a
pedestal. We forget that no one’s character is black and white. Everyone has
flaws, but emotion makes us blind to these flaws. Be honest about the red flags
you see in others. It’s too easy to try to force yourself into a relationship
that isn’t quite right for you just because you don’t want to face the
potential of loneliness.
3. Don’t mistake anxiety for attraction. On a physiological level, feeling anxious that you might lose someone is
very similar to the emotions of attraction. It’s crucial to distinguish between
the two. There’s a famous study in social psychology where researchers had an
attractive research assistant interact with men on two different bridges to
complete a survey. When the men were interviewed afterward, the men who talked
to the researcher on a rickety narrow bridge thought she was more attractive
than the men on the more stable bridge. They mistook their feelings of anxiety
and excitement from being on the nerve-racking bridge to actual
attraction. It’s the same phenomenon we experience when we get more attracted
to someone after seeing a scary movie with him or her. Are you doing the same
thing in your dating life? If you start to crave someone’s attention more when
he or she starts to pull away, you’re mistaking anxiety for attraction. Don’t
set yourself up to be in an unsatisfying relationship. Understand what real
attraction looks and feels like rather than just anxiety about possibly losing
someone.
4. Don’t try to manipulate people. Unless you take a hard look at your own actions, it can be hard to realize
when you’re trying to manipulate someone. We hear the word manipulation and
think of lying, cheating or consciously trying to control others, but in the
social world, it’s usually more subtle than that. If you’re trying to get
someone to feel differently about you, there’s a good chance you’re trying to
manipulate him or her. If you’re trying to get someone to like you more,
there’s a good chance you’re trying to manipulate him or her. If someone isn’t
into you, manipulation might drag out or soften the inevitable rejection, but
it won’t ever force the person into being attracted to you. When it
comes to attraction and dating, people act emotionally and then rationalize it
logically. No amount of logically convincing someone to like you will work. It
can hurt, and it can be difficult to stop doing it, but chasing and
manipulating will always hurt your self-respect in the long run. I've been there, and it's not a good feeling.
5. Walk away if you’re not getting enough interest or respect. Often, the reason someone isn’t interested has nothing to do with you. You
never completely know someone’s prior dating experiences, emotional
patterns or subconscious preferences. Don’t waste your time on someone who
isn’t showing you affection back. Emotionally available people will respond
positively to your advances when there is genuine attraction between the two of
you. Showing that you are confident enough to walk away when you’re not being
treated well is the best way to maintain your self-respect in your dating life.
You may be able to consciously lie to yourself, but you can’t fool your
subconscious. Deep down in your gut, you know when you’re sticking around, even
though you’re not being treated the way you deserve. When it’s over, make
sure it’s really over. Ruminating over someone who got away or beating yourself
up trying to understand what happened will only undermine your
self-respect. Living by these rules will help you make better decisions in your
dating life. Over time, they’ll help you maintain a healthy level of
self-respect, and whomever you do decide to settle down with will be grateful
for your confidence.
My "light bulb" moment came to shine bright, and it inspired these five tips. There is a part of me however, that wonders how many light bulbs are coming on as a result of reading this? Leave a comment and let me know which one speaks to you. Most of all, learn the lesson, that's what I always say...
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