Christmas is an emotional time for lots of people. Tension is
heightened and we spend longer than usual in the company of family and
friends as well as often drinking more than at any other time of the
year. All that food and festivity can loosen tongues and make you want
to open up to your partner, but here are some things you should never
say:
1. “My ex used to ….” Whatever it is your ex used to do; buy me diamonds, carve the turkey upside down, dress
up as Father Christmas, your partner does not
need to know about it. Even if you are comparing them favorably by saying, "my ex never made me a stocking", indulging in memories about your ex
brings them into the room and could be the spark to start an argument. While
it is perfectly natural to reminisce about Christmas past, it is
really important to stay present in your new life with your new
partner, and start to forge new memories and traditions together. If
thoughts and feelings about your past do come up, it is better to share
them with a trusted friend than to ever share it with your partner.
2. “That’s not what I wanted”. Present giving is a potential minefield for couples.
Some people want their partner to be able to mind read their desires,
and if they don’t manage that successfully then it is interpreted as
evidence that they don’t know or understand them. This to me is unfair. If
there is a specific gift that you want from your partner, then tell them
clearly. If you leave the gift choice up to them, remember what they buy
is more a reflection of their personality than what they think about
yours.
3. Don’t always say ‘yes’ when sometimes you mean ‘no’. There is a lot of pressure put on people at Christmas time to engage
in activities they might find difficult or challenging, or simply
not enjoyable. This can include office parties, spending time with your
partner’s family and friends, church services or other traditions that
are important to your partner but not to you. Christmas is about give and take, and although it is better to be
emotionally honest with your partner, it is also important that you go
along with some things because it is important to them. The key here is
balance. If you're always the one compromising and doing things you
don’t want to do, then you will eventually become exhausted and resentful
from putting a smile on your face when you don’t mean it. Ask for what
you want and need from your partner, and don’t be afraid to say no to
requests that you really don’t want to do.
4. “Your ideas/beliefs/traditions are silly”. Christmas time is steeped in traditions for most people and each
family will have their own way of doing things. When you come together
as a couple you will be bringing two unique experiences into the
relationship. While it is important to find your own way of celebrating
Christmas as a couple, it is also important to honor and respect each
others childhood experiences and incorporate those that either one of
you are not ready to relinquish.
5. "I don’t like your family”. If you don’t like your partner’s family but you are expected to spend
time with them over the festive period, you need to be very careful
about how much you express your dislike to your partner. It can cause
them to have split loyalties, and they are likely to feel defensive which
could result in a clash between you. Let off some steam to someone else,
and always show a united front with your partner when dealing with their
family.
6. “Christmas should be perfect”. One of the reasons couples argue so much at Christmas, and why couples
counseling services are so busy in the New Year, is because they put
so much pressure on each other and on the relationship to make
everything perfect. When Christmas fails to live up to these unrealistic
expectations, tempers can flare and each partner is likely to blame the
other for not trying hard enough to make it perfect. The reality is Christmas is often the time when problems that have been rumbling
throughout the year come to a head. Unless you are prepared to deal
with them, whatever day it is, even if everyone "acts" as if
things are perfect, they won’t be. Aiming for peace is always better than aiming for perfection.
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