There was a time when as soon as my current relationship began deteriorating and a breakup seemed inevitable, I’d start mentally assessing my options. Even
typing this makes me a little nauseous, and it’s pretty pathetic to see it
in print, but I was a bastard, and it was the truth. Before I could bear the thought of
going through a breakup, I felt that I needed to have someone new lined up
to jump into a relationship with. When I decided it was time to
whip my butt into shape, I took a long hard look at this behavior. I
read lots of books on the topic, and I spent countless therapy sessions
examining it. I’m sharing this with you because you just might relate (or know someone who can). It’s
one of the most common unhealthy dating behaviors people struggle with.
Whether it’s a on again - off again rebound fling with an inappropriate guy after a
heart-wrenching breakup, or a pattern of serial dating of one woman
after another with no down-time in between, it’s something many of us
do or have done in our relationship lives.
Why Men & Women Turn To a Rebound After a Breakup
- We’re afraid to be alone with our thoughts and feelings. Breakups
suck. Who really wants to sit around at home, moping and missing their
ex? There’s no time to cry or obsess over why it had to end when you’re almost
two Margaritas to the wind. In short, rebounding is a distraction
(which is one of the reasons why men have been doing it for years).
- We’re afraid to be alone, period. Changing
your Facebook status to single, not having a dinner companion,
watching your favorite TV show solo, sleeping alone in that big California King
bed? None of these things sound appealing, and they’re a constant
nagging reminder that you could be single forever! You start thinking, the sooner
you snag yourself a new boo (even if they're ultimately not a good fit for your
life) the sooner you won’t have to suffer the loneliness and humiliation
of singlehood.
- Life feels empty without our old routine. You
and your ex started the day with a kiss. His emails brightened your
monotonous workday. Every Friday was Sushi and On Demand Movie Night.
Without her, life can suddenly feel empty; your days long, blank
stretches with nothing to do. The healthier choice is to create a new
routine. But when you’re going through a heart-wrenching breakup, it can
certainly feel easier to just find a new someone to plug into your old
routine. Here comes Mr. or Ms. Rebound.
- We crave affection and validation. Let’s
face it: Getting dumped is a rejection. It makes you question your
attractiveness, your ability to make someone happy, even your worthiness
of love. Enter "The Rebound" who tells you that your ex was a fool to
let you go, and lavishes you with affection, compliments and praise.
What’s so bad about that? I’ll get to that in just a second…
Why it’s a Bad Idea to Rebound After a Breakup
- We’re not thinking clearly. The
pain of a breakup leaves us emotionally vulnerable for a time. You know
how your body is more susceptible to getting sick when your immune
system is run down from fighting off a cold? Emotionally, we are run
down after a relationship ends, which makes us more susceptible to
making poor choices in people.
The
dangers are two-fold: 1) Unfortunately, there are men out there with
less than trustworthy motives. Don’t even get me started on the guys who want to take advantage of women for money,
sex, or whatever else and sees rebounding women as easy targets. 2) You simply do not have your own best interests at heart.
You may choose a new man or woman based solely on the fact that they're the polar
opposite of your ex. Without some clarity, which only comes with time, you are not going to make a good choice in a partner.
- Our standards are lowered. This goes
with the point I just made, but it’s worth elaborating. Remember
above when we talked about how "The Rebound" showers you with compliments
and affection? Well of course it feels good! And you deserve to be
cherished.
The problem is this...in the weeks or even months after a nasty breakup, your standards for a
relationship are at an all-time low. In the moment it may seem like a
great idea to allow "The Rebound" into your life, or your heart, but its all but guaranteed that you will look back someday soon
and cringe at that choice.
- Jumping right into a new relationship dooms us to repeat the mistakes of our past. The
only way to truly gain perspective on your love life is to periodically
take a step back and look at what’s working and what isn’t. If you’re
always obsessing over Mr. or Ms. Right Now, you’ll never have the time or
opportunity to take a look at yourself.
Making Healthier Choices
With
the exception of the ending of short-lived, casual dating relationships
without much emotional investment, I usually recommend that you take 30 days after a breakup to process your feelings, go through the grieving process (often it feels a lot like a death), and regroup. It
may sound like a long time but a month is nothing in the grand scheme of
life, and you really do owe it to yourself to give your heart a proper
chance to heal. Plus you’ll be in a much better place to find, and keep a healthy relationship when you finally do put yourself out there
again. And hey I get it, taking time after a breakup to reflect
on its lessons doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun as jetting off to
St. Maarten and shacking up with a sexy island bartender for a month, but here’s the thing about rebounds:
- They don’t heal the emotional wounds from your breakup.
- They can’t give you back your self-esteem (that can only come from you).
- Often, you’ll look back and regret it.
- It’s only a temporary distraction from real pain that needs to be addressed. If you don’t deal with the feelings now, they will come out later in the form of anxiety, depression, or self-sabotage.
- They usually don’t result in a healthy, committed relationship.
And since what you’re looking for, ultimately is a healthy, committed, drama-free
relationship, it’s best to leave Mr. or Ms. Rebound at the bar, or the job, or wherever you might see them, and give
yourself some time before you open your precious heart to someone new, because you’re worth it...
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