Keeping It 100 (The 100th Realtionship Lesson)

Why is it that many women say “ALL MEN ___________” when referring to their experience with men and dating? I have a simple philosophy, until you have dated ALL MEN, and I mean every single man who is currently roaming the planet, I think it’s unfair to label and pigeon-hole “All Men” for the mistakes and behaviors of some jerks. I’ll be the first to admit that there are a lot of guys out there who don’t know how to treat a woman. I also know there are a lot of guys out there who aren’t emotionally available and have no freakin’ clue how to be in a relationship. There are more than enough guys who only care about sex and don’t care what they have to do or say to "get some". I’m a guy, I get it. But you need to understand something...these guys are not men, they are boys. I have a soon to be 12 year old son, and like most soon to be 12 year old sons, they want what they want, when they want it. He lives in a very hedonistic world. When I say some men are boys, I mean they act in the same exact way as my soon to be 12 year old son. Anyone who denies that there are some immature and selfish boys out there, who don’t care how their choices affect a woman is a fool. There most certainly are those type of people out there, and truth be told, when I was in my 20’s and 30's I had my share of hedonistic moments too. Fortunately for me I grew up, became a man, and life has taught me there was more to a relationship than just sex. Now don’t get me wrong, I love sex just as much as the next guy, but sex is only one piece of the puzzle.

And while we’re on it, let me disapprove this "all men want is sex" myth. Here’s the deal: A boy only cares about sex, but a man cares about sex and “more”. What's that more? Well, it’s simply the ability to experience a better and happier life. I wasn’t born with a vagina, and I won’t claim that I can understand what it’s like to be a woman. But after growing up with women in my house and having several good friends who are female, I was able to get a good understanding of what goes on in the mind of a woman. This helped me because I was able to see that men and women simply are wired differently. We both want the same thing (to be happy), but the way we go about it is completely different. Women are brought up to believe that they are the princess, and they need the knight in shining armor to come rescue them so they can live happily ever after. Well, us men are brought up to believe that we are the knights who must provide and protect our damsels in distress. I believe it is this programming that makes dating and relationships so difficult. Women look to men to make them happy, and men think they are responsible for a woman’s happiness. Well, guess what…they’re both wrong!

I learned a long time ago that you can’t make someone else happy, but you can make them happier. You can take the most miserable woman in the world, the one with a whole closet full of baggage, give her the greatest guy in the world, and she will never be happy. In fact, very often the great guy will exacerbate her feelings and insecurities and cause her to feel even worse. Now let me say this works both ways too. If you take a guy who is a jerk and you give him the greatest girl in the world, he will become a bigger jerk. He will do everything and anything to disrespect and dishonor that woman. He is not man enough to appreciate a good woman when she comes along. A good man appreciates and loves a woman who can make him happy and make him feel good about himself. You see, men really are simple creatures. We really have two basic needs: to be happy, and to avoid drama. If you show a man that he will be happy and his life will be drama free, then he will want to be with you. In my past, I have had some great lovers, but no matter how great the sex was, I couldn’t stand being in a relationship with most of these women. Why? Because of the drama. My life wasn’t any better, and I wasn’t any happier. The 23 hours of pain did not outweigh the one hour of pleasure.

It’s not just about sex for a man. Like I said earlier, sex is only one piece of the puzzle. Yes, it is an important piece, but at the end of the day its just one piece. If you want a great guy both in and out of the bedroom, make sure you find out what he needs to be happy and make sure you keep drama to a minimum. The right guy will love and appreciate you for that and as a result he will want to be with you. Not because he has to, but because he wants to. If you show a man that his life will be better, and he will be happier because of your presence in his life, he will want to be with you as well. If he doesn’t he's not a man, he's a boy, and I suggest that you kick all boys to the curb...

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Love Rehab

Whether you are trying to recover from a short term or long term relationship, it takes time. Whether you're the one who left, or you're the one left behind, there is still a recovery period. How much of a recovery period can is based on many factors. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationship recovery – it can be different for everyone. Many people try to offer advice about how to recover from a relationship. While most people have good intentions, the advice is often unsolicited or just doesn't seem to help.  We're all different, so no one can say they have walked in our exact shoes or circumstances. What may have worked for them, may not work for us. Some people say you have to go out, get back into the game and play the field. While that may be true, there is a time and place for everything and we all get to that place at a different pace.

When I divorced after a 12 year marriage, I read just about every book I could get my hands on from how to win her back, to learning how to let go. 10 years later, I never found the exact answer that fit me, but I formulated my own solutions from a combination of things I learned along the way. Most people try to discourage us from taking time for ourselves to regroup and recover, however for some of us, that is exactly what we need, at least for awhile. While I did go out, met new people and worked on rebuilding my life, I also took time to be by myself...for myself to recover. I think there are some times when we need time to sit back, lick our wounds, get our heads on straight and heal a bit. Thanks to my two best friends Jennifer Richardson and Annetta Garrett, they helped me become the person I am proud to be today, even after taking their advice when I really didn't want to. Failed relationships can bruise our ego, poison our attitudes and scar our souls. Sometimes, we just need to go to Love Rehab. For some of us, when we are hurting or just not happy, we may not even feel fit to be around other people so we keep to ourselves for awhile. I did not want to become jaded or cynical so when I felt that way, I took time to retreat for awhile. I wanted to be strong enough and healthy enough so that when I went out, I would attract more positive things into my life. My dating became cyclical, on again – off again.  I would date for awhile, find myself getting hurt or discouraged and would take a break until I felt strong enough to put myself out there again.

While some people seem to enjoy spreading their toxic attitudes around to anyone who would listen, you often get back what you put out into the world. Some of us would rather find our bearings a bit before we venture out into the world. I know for me, when I felt weak, insecure, hurt, bitter or angry, when I tried to go out, sometimes I made myself vulnerable and found myself being taken advantage of or having knee-jerk reactions which led to sometimes making poor decisions. Sometimes those who choose to stay in their emotional caves are either simply afraid of being hurt, or afraid of hurting someone else. But other times we may simply retreat into our caves because we never had the chance to, because we were always too busy caring for someone else. Sometimes it isn’t hiding or avoidance, it’s just a chance to take time for ourselves, and sometimes its long overdue. For others, we may keep ourselves busy and distracted, avoiding the feelings we are destined to feel and experience. I know for awhile, I was hurting too much to allow myself to feel, and it was just easier to concentrate on everyone else, rather than my own problems.  

We do not all recover at the same pace. Some call this denial, but for me it was a necessary distraction at the time for self-preservation until I could get strong enough to face my issues and move ahead. Sometimes we all just need time to deal with things in our own individual way. There is no right or wrong, and there is no 12-step program for recovering from a relationship. Sometimes we just need to be allowed to move at our own pace.  So as long as we are moving forward, step by step, we will get where we need to go. No matter where you are in your recovery, whether you are inside or outside of your cave, do what is best for you and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will find yourself outside again with the sun on your face and the hope of a new day on the horizon.  Just as sure as the sun sets, every new day is a new chance for the sun, and for you to rise again...

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