Dear Relationship Lessons,I've been talking to this guy for about 4 months now. We hit it off at the beginning. There wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that I didn’t hear from him. From the moment I met him, I knew he was a good person. I was attracted to him because he was a lot like me: shy, quiet, very honest, God fearing and respectful. I felt something “different” with him that I couldn’t explain. Right when I was excited about a potential relationship, he drops the “I’m not ready for a relationship” bomb on me. I was ready to cut things off completely, but he insisted that he wanted to remain friends. I agreed to it but not without making it clear that I am interested in a committed relationship with someone, not a casual one. Fast forward, we have not consummated our relationship (although my flesh has been screaming) and things have been moving at a pretty good rate.
But here is my problem: he recently fell off the face of the earth. Communication has never never been an issue with us. If I ever have a problem, I can bring it up to him and he’ll answer any concerns that I have. When I inquired about some rumors that had been going around, he explained to me that he was going through something he could not discuss, and that he hasn’t spoken to anyone. He assured me that in time I would understand but he couldn’t get into the details. I live in a college town, so when somebody in the “black community” drops off the scene, everyone knows what that means. After a little investigation, I got confirmation that there is a great possibility he is pursuing membership into an organization.
At this point, I’m tired of this. I feel like I’m always contacting him just to be ignored. Even despite everything that is going on, he can find time for his boys. Somehow I don’t fit it in the picture anymore. Should I just drop this dude? He already said he doesn’t want a relationship, so I don’t even see the point of me waiting. And if I do let him go, should I do it quietly or should I make it clear to him that I’m not trying to play games? A part of me is afraid to let go because he possesses every trait I look for in my HUSBAND. I don’t want to make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions, but I don’t want these chicken heads to have the luxury of meeting such an amazing person either. Currently he’s acting like the all the lame dudes from my past, which is making me think he might not be so “perfect” after all. Can you help me?
I think this is one of those situations where you kind of know the
answer but you are looking to me for confirmation. So I will lay out the
basics. First off, you guys were “talking” for 4 months and he already
let you know that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he wanted to
be friends (to which you agreed). I would’ve said he just wants your
draws with no strings attached, but you’re not being physical, so that isn’t
a real cause. I see that you have an issue with his communication dropping off over
the last few weeks. Being a member of an "organization" myself, I have to admit I
chuckled a bit when you described his sudden disappearance from
civilization. I’ve heard this story before. You say he has time for
his boys and not for you, but I can say that if he’s “busy” with things
organizationally related, he may have time for them out of necessity, but not for you. That doesn’t diminish the importance of him keeping
you in the loop, but he might have different priorities lined up.
On another note, if you guys are just friends, then why are you
worried that he hasn’t contacted you? Are you holding out false hope
that there can still be a future for you two aside from a friendship? I
think it’s more of a delusion on your end. You accepted his membership into the friend zone,
but you still mentally treat your relationship as if its otherwise when
he clearly doesn’t do the same. You guys spoke on the situation and
came to an agreement, so if you are getting upset about actions that
shouldn’t upset you, then the problem is more with you than with him. Now, you didn’t give any indication that he was leading you on in
any way, so I can only form an opinion based on what you wrote. My
suggestion is to move on and find someone who is more in line with what your
relationship goals are. If you still want to be friends with dude, then cool, but romantically you should look elsewhere. It isn’t healthy to play house
when your love interest doesn’t even want to rent...
