How Do You Handle Falling In Love?

I received a question from someone this past week. With their permission, I figured I would post my answer here for others to read publicly after I spoke with them privately.

“I’m really starting to fall for someone, and it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship. Is there anything I should be watching out for? Common traps that people fall into, etc.?”

There is nothing like the exhilarating rush of new love. Your brain is being flooded with huge hits of happy chemicals and it can feel like you’re high around the clock.

What are they doing? Are they thinking of me right now? Whatever they’re doing, I hope they are happy. What would we fight about long term? Am I already being too clingy? How do our names sound together? Should I not have texted them that thing yesterday? Where would our ideal vacation be? Do they like the same hobbies as me?

Our minds run rampant doing mental gymnastics about our new love interest. To help you keep your feet somewhat grounded during this new and exciting phase, here are three things to remember when you’re falling in love with someone new.

1. You’re allowed to be excited - Yes, you are going to be distracted as thoughts of them race through your mind, and that’s totally fine. Going into a new relationship is an exciting transitional period. You are allowed to be happy, giddy, distracted and joyful about it. Instead of resisting it or trying to rationalize it, you should embrace it. Let the excitement run its course through your body. Every emotion you experience is there for a reason, and this blast of excitement is likely there to teach you “this one matters, and you care about this one." Feel free to go ahead and lean into it.

2. You’re allowed to feel some anxiety - Along with the rush of excitement that comes with a new love interest, you are also likely to feel some combination of nerves or anxiety. Opening up to a new partner can trigger a lot of fear, worries, and anxiety in people. Maybe you worry that they are too good to be true, or that they won’t like you back. Love is a risk, it always is, and just like the excitement I just touched on earlier, you are also allowed to embrace the anxiety. You can welcome it into your body and tell it “You have a home here. Thank you for looking out for me.” That’s not to say that you will necessarily want to let that emotion run your mind and all of your thoughts, but there is no point in denying its existence in your body.

3. Don’t let your life fall to the wayside - Some people have a tendency to drop their friends, family, obligations, and interests when they start seeing someone new. I understand how seductive this pattern is; you want to see them, touch them, and taste them all the time, but it isn’t serving you or the building of your budding relationship’s foundation. It’s important to keep doing the things that make you happy that are not tied to your new significant other. If 100% of your emotional fulfillment comes from your new partner, you could eventually start to resent them for taking up so much of your time. They could begin to feel stifled by you, knowing full well that they provide the majority of your happiness. We all need multiple pathways to joy and fulfillment, and while there’s nothing wrong being with a partner who you feel happy to be around, you should also experience joy from other sources in your life.

If this point is particularly difficult for you, proactively reach out to one or two of your closest friends and explicitly tell them “Hey, I’m starting to fall for this person and I want to make sure that I keep being me and I don’t get completely sucked into it, and I also value our friendship and want to continue to invest in it. Can you help keep me accountable to hanging out with you every week or two, just to make sure that I’m not just spending time with (insert your new love interest’s name)? That would help me out a lot.”

Keep doing the things that make you who you are, and keep seeing the people who you feel lit up by (in your relationship with your significant other and outside of it). Your relationship will eventually thank you for it...

Mistakes Will Take You Further, Trust Me...

I know what you must be thinking: Two blogs in two consecutive days? Wow, something must be happening in the atmosphere! I told you that I owed all of you some of my thoughts since I was away at school. So until the summer session begins, I want to stay with the theme and pick up where I conveniently left off with a few more thoughts from yesterday...

Are you worried that you are messing up a lot in your life? One of the most common concerns that I get from people I talk to on a regular basis is they feel like they are failing. They feel like they are failing in life, in their careers, and in their relationships. If you sometimes feel this way, then you are exactly where you should be. Like I said in yesterday's blog, one of my favorite ways of looking at life is that it is a never-ending series of mistakes. You are constantly messing up, and there is no other way around it, but you are not alone. Commercial airplanes are off their flight path 95% of the time when they are heading towards a destination. Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee juggled dozens of crappy jobs until he invented Spiderman at 40 years old. Actors Halle Berry and Jim Carey were both homeless before they found fame. I said all of this is to say, if you feel like you don’t know what you are doing with your life half of the time, then congratulations, you are doing just fine. In fact, here are three areas in which you should start making more mistakes…

1. Your career - Finding your ultimate career will usually take going through a ton of jobs that you do not even enjoy that much, if you can enjoy it at all. Hugh Jackman worked as a party clown. A young Brad Pitt wore a giant chicken suit to advertise for a fast food restaurant. Harrison Ford was a carpenter when George Lucas hired him into the Star Wars franchise. As long as you’re finding out what you don’t like, you’re always getting closer to what you do like. 

2. Your habits - Emotion exists in relation to itself. If you have never felt devastating heartbreak or grief, then you will not fully appreciate the joy and happiness in your life. Every now and then, it may be a good idea to go back in your mind to the habits you used to have, so you can remind yourself of the consequences of those habits. You’re not generally a big drinker anymore, but one day you go overboard and get wasted? The hangover alone will remind you of why you chose not to drink that much anymore. Do you get a lot out of seeing your friends? That week away from them will affect your emotional fulfillment more than you think. You are usually a full-time gym rat, but you haven’t been going for a few weeks? That sprint towards the bus in the morning will quickly remind you of your fitness level.

3. Your relationships - It is an all too common cop out for people to tell themselves "I don’t want to date right now, I’m waiting for someone who is truly special." Although having high standards is certainly important, if you do not have much of a dating history under your belt, then you might not know what you are looking for in a partner. Just as it is rare to fall into your dream job right out of college, it is equally unlikely that you will find your ideal match in your first lover. So get out there, taste the rainbow a bit and discover what you do and do not like in a partner. 

And remember, as long as you are on a continuous loop of messing up and learning, then you’re doing just fine. Experience comes come from getting things wrong, a lot. Think about it, and let's make better mistakes tomorrow…