I have a simple theory about the world. The reason why more people aren’t
ending up in wildly enthusiastic relationships is simply due to one thing:
they’re not getting out of bad relationships soon enough. They stay in
something “ok” for months and even years
on end, preferring the safety of mediocrity to the angst of loneliness. In
the end, they fail to make space in their lives for the right person
because there’s no room.
In the creative arts, there is a saying: “Good is the enemy of great.”
And I’d say the same applies to relationships. A “great” one won’t come your
way unless you’re willing to pass on the ones that are merely “good.” So this is a simple plea: demand strong feelings from your relationship.
Demand awe and inspiration at least with some regularity. Do not settle. If
you’re not saying aloud (or at least to yourself) “I love you” to your mate by the
6 month point in your relationship, hit the “next” button. Have the
courage to believe that something better is out there. Hell, I think you
might even be able to know sooner than that, but I’m trying to be reasonable
here.
And I know some people take issue with this, saying they were dating
three years (or more) before they truly fell in love, and now they’ve been together
40 years now, blah, blah, blah. I don’t deny that can happen, but what happens
more often is people who are in limbo for years simply get married because they
feel they can’t “waste” the 5 years they’ve been together by splitting up now.
They instead go on to waste ten more miserable years together being in an
incompatible relationship they don’t have the courage to get out of. When
true love strikes, it doesn’t take long to recognize it. When
everything clicks, there is very little doubt in your mind. Its laser-accurate
clarity will envelope you, calm you, and inspire you.
Now, this theory of high standards has to apply to yourself as well; don’t
settle for a mediocre version of yourself if you want to attract an
amazing mate. Be someone who chases their dreams only if you want that
characteristic in your mate. Be someone who brings as much to the table as you
expect from them. If you want someone who lives passionately, has an
interesting, fulfilling career, has tons of hobbies, fills the room with their
personality and inspires other through their actions, then you need to
be that kind of person, too.
This is where many of us fall short. We settle for mediocrity in ourselves
and yet expect to end up with the ideal man or woman of our dreams. This is the
classic “double-standard”. If the double standard doesn’t apply to you, it’s
possible you have too much patience. No one wants to be too judgmental.
Part of being an adult is being tolerant and accepting of others flaws. But
many of us just stay in something “good” for too long, hoping it will
eventually blossom into something mind-blowing. But it doesn’t. It just says
“good”.
From what I’ve seen in couples who’ve found “the one”, it usually
doesn’t take years to realize it. It’s somewhat early, usually in the first
year, and sometimes in the first few weeks. If you’re the right kind of
person, who’s done the necessary work on themselves, then you’ll know very
quickly. Assuming they’re also worthy of you.
And if you’re not saying “I love you” it’s not a tragic ending, it
just means you could probably do better. And you should do better. This
is why you owe it to both of you to move on, and give each other room to find a
better match. The problem we’ve gotten into as a culture is that we feel like
we don’t have the right to break up with someone if they haven’t done anything
morally incomprehensible.
But you don’t have to wait until someone cheats on you to break up with
them. You can simply leave if your heart isn’t fully engaged. If you’re married
and raising kids together, then yes you need to stick with it and give it every
shot you can unless you’ve suffered too much to stomach any more. You can exit
if you simply feel, “Hey, I like
you. We’re having a nice time, but I want more. I deserve to feel more.
And so do you.” And this my relationship reader friends, is the guilt-relieving
part of my argument; you’re helping them find someone better too, because
chances are there’s someone else out there who’s a better match for them than
you are. You both just need to keep exploring.
I believe the American divorce rate isn’t due to people who were
passionately in love but just drifted apart, although that happens too. I
believe it’s more due to people who just never should have been married in the
first place, and then finally admitted at age 49 what they probably should have
admitted at age 24 when they’d only been dating 3 yrs.
If love is what you want, give your venture enough time to have a chance to
flourish, but just as a venture capitalist doesn’t make unconditional
investments forever, pull your money at some point if you’re not seeing enough
of a return on your contributions. There are plenty of other things out there to
invest your time in. You just have to let go of the current one to see them.
You won’t know, until you say no to “good” in order to make room for “great”.
facebook.com/RelationshipLessons
twitter.com/RShipLessons
No comments:
Post a Comment