I want to talk more about the “but I love them” justification that people
use all the time to stay with someone. To them, love is a reason they should keep striving for
a relationship with someone who will NEVER provide the kind of loving
partnership they want and deserve. Unfortunately, love is vastly
misunderstood and we make all kinds of mistakes based on our wonky
ideas about it. The truth is, there’s a fundamental difference
between having love for someone and whether a relationship with them
is the right thing for you. They’re not the same thing. They’re not
even on the same planet, and yet mistaken ideas about love and what it means
for our relationships are so rampant, it’s unbelievable.
Here are the five often-ignored facts and misconceptions about love:
1. Love Does Not Conquer All - If you love someone
romantically, it still doesn’t mean you’re suitable as a romantic
partner for them. You can deeply love someone and they can deeply love you, but
your relationship is a disaster. This doesn’t mean it wasn’t true love,
it just means that "coupledom" isn’t going to work for you two at this time.
2. Love Is Not an Excuse For Acting Out - Sometimes when we
fall in love, we get comfortable and feel like we’ve “conquered it” or “won”
because the other person loves us back. We tell ourselves if love is there or
if we have feelings for someone, we can act out, cling, or allow ourselves to
act in ways that would embarrass us to admit to our friends. When we let this
happen, we allow our “shadow selves” to come out and play; we let
ourselves go emotionally and stop protecting the other person’s
feelings. When they’re hurt, we justify our shabby behavior with how we
truly love them and “they aren’t going anywhere.” Then the relationship
goes off the rails, and we tell ourselves it wasn’t meant to be or that it
wasn’t true love. The truth is behind closed doors, we acted like that person
would never leave, and we’re sent reeling when they call our
bluff. Just because someone loves you, doesn’t mean they have
to put up with you treating them badly (and vice versa).
3. Love Doesn’t Automatically Imply Pain - One big problem
is the belief that once you fall in love, you have to overcome
obstacles to “make it work”. This is heavily shown in Hollywood’s version of true
love since, without conflict or romantic tension; there isn’t
much of a movie to watch. As a result, people manifest all kinds of terrible
situations to support the mistaken belief that they need to strive,
work and overcome to have a good relationship. Loving someone doesn’t
require that you contort yourself in an attempt to “make it work”. Love is
an emotion and relationships often do require work, but it’s usually more of the “staying
present, communicating and working on one’s issues” variety. Not the “convince
someone you REALLY do love them” variety so commonly shown in
the movies.
4. You’re Not Obligated By Someone Else’s Love For You
- The fact that you two love each other (or they love you) doesn’t
automatically mean that this relationship is right for you, or that you’re
obligated to stick around. If the relationship is wrong for one person,
it’s wrong for both people. The fact that you’re going to hurt someone if
you leave them cannot and should not make you stay if the
relationship is wrong for you. Guilt is a powerful emotion that will
snuff out your happiness if you let it.
5. Love Is Scarce and Rare - Love is all around if you
choose to look for it, and so are people with whom you could have a great
relationship. It takes a little digging, but it’s SO doable. If you adopt the belief that you can’t go out and find
love with someone else, you’ll cling to bad relationships and
make decisions based on them. Fear-based decisions aren’t rooted in the
greater good. Your mistaken view of the world has contorted them. When it
comes to romantic love, the results will keep you stuck and mired in what you
hope a relationship is, rather than what it actually is. Our fears lie to
us. Fear tells us we might never find anyone else and that if we let go,
we might never find happiness again. This is simply not true. It’s our
fear trying to protect us from taking a leap into the unknown. Don’t let fear
control your love life.
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